My aunt was clearing out her email inbox and came across this email that I sent to her on March 28, 2005. I couldn't believe I had written it 5 years ago, it felt like it spoke directly to my current situation.
Last night, before I went to bed I was reminded of something.... God doesn't owe me anything. Sometimes I get this entitled attitude. I start thinking that because I have chosen to follow Christ, He should give me all the things I want in my life. But the truth is, God doesn't owe me anything. In fact, I owe Him everything for the sacrifice He made for me, and there is a freedom in knowing that I could never DO enough to earn that salvation. But what I CAN do is let go and trust God with each day. Some days, that is easier said than done.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I dit it, I did it, I dit it, hey hey!
I gave myself the injection of FSH on Friday, and guess what... It was no big deal! The needle was tiny and didn't hurt at all going in. I decided to inject it into my thigh by the way. I was mostly worried about the burning when it went in, but I didn't feel the tiniest tinge of any burning. I don't know if it was the adrenaline that made it painless or the difference of injecting into the thigh vs. the arm like the nurses usually do. I think I would actually prefer doing it myself in my thigh, because it has hurt a lot worse when the nurses administered it. The only problem was once I put the needle in, my hand was shaking so bad from the adrenaline, that it took me awhile to push the medication in. Anyway, I did it, Yay!
I had an ultra sound on Monday (Day 12) and had one 24-25 mm follicle on my right ovary, and no dominant follicles on the left ovary. So, that is good, since I only have a fallopian tube on my right side. It is interesting that with Fe.mara I have only produced one follicle, where with Clo.mid I produced at least 2 mature follicles. I guess its a good thing, to have no risk of multiples. The nurse gave me the HCG injection right after the ultra sound, so I should be ovulating right about now.
I am feeling hopeful about this cycle. The hubby and I have had lots of time together, and I think our timing has been perfect this month. Not that timing has made any difference in the previous months. AND, ultimately God can use the best or the worst timing to create a miracle. I am hoping that this cycle will end with a BFP, but I am also looking forward to meeting with a new doctor/RE next month. I am so ready for a new perspective and hopefully getting some real answers. But, if I didn't have to see a new doctor, I wouldn't be upset. :-)
I had an ultra sound on Monday (Day 12) and had one 24-25 mm follicle on my right ovary, and no dominant follicles on the left ovary. So, that is good, since I only have a fallopian tube on my right side. It is interesting that with Fe.mara I have only produced one follicle, where with Clo.mid I produced at least 2 mature follicles. I guess its a good thing, to have no risk of multiples. The nurse gave me the HCG injection right after the ultra sound, so I should be ovulating right about now.
I am feeling hopeful about this cycle. The hubby and I have had lots of time together, and I think our timing has been perfect this month. Not that timing has made any difference in the previous months. AND, ultimately God can use the best or the worst timing to create a miracle. I am hoping that this cycle will end with a BFP, but I am also looking forward to meeting with a new doctor/RE next month. I am so ready for a new perspective and hopefully getting some real answers. But, if I didn't have to see a new doctor, I wouldn't be upset. :-)
My due date
I started this post on Dec 23rd....
I have been really busy this month, which has been good, but I think I have been avoiding thinking about the fact that my due date from my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks is getting very very close. My due date was Dec. 26th. This thought pops into my head at least once a day, but I very quickly push it out of my head. But, as I get closer to the 26th and as I have had a little free time, I have allowed myself to think about it more. This whole Christmas season has felt empty to me. I have gone through the motions, gone shopping, sent out Christmas cards, decorated the tree, but I feel none of the magic and excitement of the season.
And finished it on Dec 28th...
I still don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling. I have felt moments of deep sadness, but I haven't felt overwhelmed with sadness like I expected. The pain isn't nearly as fresh and raw as it was 7 months ago, but it is still there. I also feel a sense of relief to have made it past the due date, because it has been looming out in the future for so many months. While there is relief, there is also disappointment that I am no closer to being a mom. I really thought I would have been pregnant again before my due date. I was really holding out hope that I would get pregnant in November, because I thought it would have made Dec 26th so much easier. Going through this with my husband by my side has brought great comfort and I know that God, the great comforter, is with us and guiding us through this journey.
I have been really busy this month, which has been good, but I think I have been avoiding thinking about the fact that my due date from my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks is getting very very close. My due date was Dec. 26th. This thought pops into my head at least once a day, but I very quickly push it out of my head. But, as I get closer to the 26th and as I have had a little free time, I have allowed myself to think about it more. This whole Christmas season has felt empty to me. I have gone through the motions, gone shopping, sent out Christmas cards, decorated the tree, but I feel none of the magic and excitement of the season.
And finished it on Dec 28th...
I still don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling. I have felt moments of deep sadness, but I haven't felt overwhelmed with sadness like I expected. The pain isn't nearly as fresh and raw as it was 7 months ago, but it is still there. I also feel a sense of relief to have made it past the due date, because it has been looming out in the future for so many months. While there is relief, there is also disappointment that I am no closer to being a mom. I really thought I would have been pregnant again before my due date. I was really holding out hope that I would get pregnant in November, because I thought it would have made Dec 26th so much easier. Going through this with my husband by my side has brought great comfort and I know that God, the great comforter, is with us and guiding us through this journey.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
It's time to be a big girl
Well my cycle started later then I expected, on the 16th, which will allow me to have my Day 12 monitoring ultra sound on the 27th. During my ultra sound on Day 1, it showed that I ovulated on my right side, which is the side with the fallopian tube in tact. That was a little discouraging that I once again ovulated and didn't conceive. So, I took Femara on Days 3-7 again, and .......Dum, dum dum, I have to give myself the FSH injection myself on Day 9, which is on Christmas Eve. I know people do it all the time, and it's only a tiny little needle. I am not looking forward to it, but I think I can do it. I met with the nurse yesterday so she could show me how to mix the medication and give myself the shot. She said I could give it to myself in my thigh or my abdomen. To me it seems easier to do it in my belly because I have more fat there, but the nurse said that some people find it easier in the thigh, because it can be difficult to push the needle into soft tissue in the belly. So, I guess I am going to try the thigh... I think. The only thing that worried me was she said that if after I give myself one shot (I have to give myself 2) if I can't give myself the 2nd one then I can go to the ER to have them give me the injection. I know that it burns when it goes in, I'm prepared for that, but I don't know how I will do pushing that burning medication into myself. I guess I have to put on my big girl pants and just get it done.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Long Overdue Update - 12/15/10
It has been so long since I last posted and so much has been going on, that I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write an update for over a month but have felt overwhelmed every time I think about it. I think that if I write out the details in short bullets, that will help….so here goes:
• September’s Cycle: I had one large mature follicle (22 mm, I think) on my right ovary on my first monitoring ultra sound on Day 11. So, we triggered that day. I have never had mature follicles that early, so apparently my body responds faster to Fe.mara then it did to Clo.mid. It was so unexpected that I didn’t even bring my HCG injection with me to the appointment, so I had to run home and get back to the doctor’s office before they closed to have the nurse give me the shot. I have not graduated to giving myself (or having my husband give me) injections, and I am not looking forward to the day I have to do it myself. I took 200 mg of Prom.etrium twice a day beginning a couple days after triggering. This cycle ended with a BFN.
• The first weekend in October, we accepted an offer on our house. We had been trying to sell our house for over a year on our own and for a couple months with a realtor. Oh yeah, and the closing date was in less than 4 weeks AND, my husband and I were gone for 2 of the three weekends before we had to be moved out of our house. Crazy! One of the weekends was spent at a Military Marriage Enrichment weekend retreat. It was a nice little getaway for R and I. We talked some about fertility treatments. I found out that my husband really doesn’t like it when I “obsess” about getting pregnant. He sees tracking my BBT as obsessing, and I see it as gaining more information/clues about what my body is and isn’t doing. He also thinks that I am obsessing when I become emotional about infertility. For probably 4 months after my mis-carriage, I could hardly have a conversation about TTC w/out tearing up, and I think this is what he is referring too. I can understand his perspective. He wants his wife back, the one who didn’t break down bawling when she received a baby shower announcement. I have definitely been doing a lot better in this aspect, but there is just no way to go back to not feeling the sting of sadness and pain when we are faced with the inevitable pregnancy announcements, baby showers and births of so many of our close friends and family. So, back to the month of October, it was spent packing, figuring out where we would live in a few weeks, and getting through the inspection and appraisal process. Thankfully my parents came and spent a week with us and helped us get packed and moved out of our house. Selling our house was definitely bitter sweet. It was our first house together and we have wonderful memories from our first home. We also had the most amazing neighbors. Seriously, they were the greatest! But, we are moving on new exciting adventure. We will eventually be building a house on some property we bought a few years ago that is close to a lake.
• October’s Cycle: On my day 3 ultra sound, I had a 2+ cm cyst on my left ovary. I talked to my doc and he said that he doesn’t think it will interfere with the cycle. He said he could take an estrogen level to see if it is active, but it was Day 3 on a Friday afternoon, so we wouldn’t get the estrogen level back in time to start meds for this cycle. I specifically asked him, “So this cyst won’t dominate and stop other follicles from maturing?” and he said it shouldn’t. My gut instinct was to sit out this cycle, because of the cyst and moving, but that voice in my head said, what if this is the month? Needless to say, it was NOT the month. They did another ultra sound on Day 9 and the cyst was still there and had grown a little, and none of the other follicles were anywhere close to maturing. I thought for sure, the cycle would be called off. I asked for the doctor to look at my ultra sound before the nurses gave me the FSH injection. No reason to go wasting $250 worth of meds. The doctor said to go ahead. So, I had another ultra sound on Day 12 and shocker……there were no mature follicles and the cyst was a little bigger. The doctor said to go ahead with the HCG injection, because there could be a mature follicle on my left ovary. Really? What would make him think that????? So, October cycle = $365 worth of meds wasted.
• Beginning in November, I began working part-time (in addition to my full time job) as the worship/music coordinator at my church. Our music pastor accepted a position at church in another state and left the end of October. I played and sang in the worship band and would fill in when our music pastor was gone, so the church asked me to fill in as the coordinator until a full time Music Pastor was hired. The previous music pastor and his family were also renting a house owned by my church that is right next to the church. It was exactly what we were looking for, 3 bedroom, full basement for storage, fenced yard for the dogs and pretty affordable. So, we were able to move into this house and the part-time income from the church is basically paying the rent. It was pretty amazing the way it all worked out, definitely a blessing for my family. Our goal in renting is to finish paying off all of our debt and save to begin building a house on our property. Because of the added part-time income, we will have ALL of our debt paid off by April, maybe by March, and then should have enough saved to begin building by this time next year! I am so excited to be debt free. We went through a Financial Peace University class a year ago and have been working to pay off all of our debt since then. All we have left are 2 student loans.
• November Cycle: Well, the timing was such that my Day 11 monitoring appt and potentially my HCG injection would fall right on Thanksgiving weekend. So, we decided to only take 5 mg Femara on Days 3-7 and forgo the monitoring ultra sounds and expensive injections. It was kind of hard to not know what was going on with my ovaries/follicles, but it was nice not to have all those doctor appointments. I used OPK’s to see when my LH surged. I also got a nasty cold the same weekend that I was ovulating…..fun times. I didn’t take any cold medicine or even excess Vitamin C, because I read in Making Babies that both of those things can dry up cervical mucus. So, I was extra miserable with my cold, but I was hoping it would all be worth it in two weeks when we got a BFP. When I started taking the pro.metrium, I started getting bad headaches the very next day. I had a headache for about 5 days straight, and this was after I had recovered from my cold. Headaches are listed as a possible side effect, but I have never experienced this in previous months. Of course, I thought maybe I was getting headaches because I am pregnant and my body is already producing lots of progesterone (ha! Right, that would be a first) and the added pro-metrium was giving me headaches. Guess what….this was not the case. I got a BFN on Sunday the 12th.
• I started reading Making Babies after reading Courtney’s review on her blog. I am still not finished with the book, but will probably write a blog about this book once I am finished. I have started to implement some of the things from the book.
• December Cycle: It is looking like today will be Day 1, I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday, but it has disappeared. If today is Day 1, then my Day 11 monitoring u/s will fall right on Christmas weekend. So, I have a bit of a dilemma. Do I just take Fe.mara again? It obviously wasn’t successful last month, but could this be the month? Do I try to work around the Christmas holiday to schedule appointments? Or do I completely sit this cycle out and pray that we miraculously conceive au’ natural? I just don’t know. The least likely decision is to try to schedule monitoring appointments around Christmas, that just doesn’t sound very festive.
• 2nd Opinion. R and I have decided that this will be my last cycle before getting a 2nd opinion. Our biggest issue with my current doc is that he seems content to treat us like every other couple based on statistics vs. digging deeper to find out what our specific issues are and trying to fix or at least treat those specific needs. I think this is pretty typical of western medicine, unfortunately, at least in regards to infertility. I have also had way too many frustrating experiences with his nurses. I think it is safe to say that I know way more about infertility then most of his nurses. Also, it seems pretty simple, but doesn’t it make sense to read the most recent case notes before speaking with a patient? Just a thought. There is only one RE in the state I live in and he practices in a city about 4 hours away from me. But, I recently found out that this RE travels to a city about 90 miles from me to see patients. So, I scheduled a consult with him in January. Yay! I am really excited to get a fresh perspective. His clinic will begin offering IVF in January, which is the first clinic in my state to do this. Very cool, but I am a little nervous that he will be pushing IVF. I will soon find out. I am kind of dreading calling my current clinic to request that they fax my records to the new clinic. Awkward.
• Fun times with the hubby. R and I have a fun-packed December. We went to a concert on Sunday night that was fantastic and stayed that night in a hotel instead of driving the 90 miles home late at night. We are going skiing this weekend and staying overnight at the lodge. For Christmas, we rented a cabin fairly close by. We will spend Christmas at the cabin with R’s Dad and our doggies. It’s been really nice to just enjoy my husband’s company. On Monday night, we were visiting after work. I had to leave to go to yoga, and my husband said, “Do you have to go? It’s been really nice just talking with you.” How sweet is that? I love those moments of just talking, enjoying each other’s company. I have a good man. I feel so blessed that my husband is my best friend.
I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet puppies in the snow.
• September’s Cycle: I had one large mature follicle (22 mm, I think) on my right ovary on my first monitoring ultra sound on Day 11. So, we triggered that day. I have never had mature follicles that early, so apparently my body responds faster to Fe.mara then it did to Clo.mid. It was so unexpected that I didn’t even bring my HCG injection with me to the appointment, so I had to run home and get back to the doctor’s office before they closed to have the nurse give me the shot. I have not graduated to giving myself (or having my husband give me) injections, and I am not looking forward to the day I have to do it myself. I took 200 mg of Prom.etrium twice a day beginning a couple days after triggering. This cycle ended with a BFN.
• The first weekend in October, we accepted an offer on our house. We had been trying to sell our house for over a year on our own and for a couple months with a realtor. Oh yeah, and the closing date was in less than 4 weeks AND, my husband and I were gone for 2 of the three weekends before we had to be moved out of our house. Crazy! One of the weekends was spent at a Military Marriage Enrichment weekend retreat. It was a nice little getaway for R and I. We talked some about fertility treatments. I found out that my husband really doesn’t like it when I “obsess” about getting pregnant. He sees tracking my BBT as obsessing, and I see it as gaining more information/clues about what my body is and isn’t doing. He also thinks that I am obsessing when I become emotional about infertility. For probably 4 months after my mis-carriage, I could hardly have a conversation about TTC w/out tearing up, and I think this is what he is referring too. I can understand his perspective. He wants his wife back, the one who didn’t break down bawling when she received a baby shower announcement. I have definitely been doing a lot better in this aspect, but there is just no way to go back to not feeling the sting of sadness and pain when we are faced with the inevitable pregnancy announcements, baby showers and births of so many of our close friends and family. So, back to the month of October, it was spent packing, figuring out where we would live in a few weeks, and getting through the inspection and appraisal process. Thankfully my parents came and spent a week with us and helped us get packed and moved out of our house. Selling our house was definitely bitter sweet. It was our first house together and we have wonderful memories from our first home. We also had the most amazing neighbors. Seriously, they were the greatest! But, we are moving on new exciting adventure. We will eventually be building a house on some property we bought a few years ago that is close to a lake.
• October’s Cycle: On my day 3 ultra sound, I had a 2+ cm cyst on my left ovary. I talked to my doc and he said that he doesn’t think it will interfere with the cycle. He said he could take an estrogen level to see if it is active, but it was Day 3 on a Friday afternoon, so we wouldn’t get the estrogen level back in time to start meds for this cycle. I specifically asked him, “So this cyst won’t dominate and stop other follicles from maturing?” and he said it shouldn’t. My gut instinct was to sit out this cycle, because of the cyst and moving, but that voice in my head said, what if this is the month? Needless to say, it was NOT the month. They did another ultra sound on Day 9 and the cyst was still there and had grown a little, and none of the other follicles were anywhere close to maturing. I thought for sure, the cycle would be called off. I asked for the doctor to look at my ultra sound before the nurses gave me the FSH injection. No reason to go wasting $250 worth of meds. The doctor said to go ahead. So, I had another ultra sound on Day 12 and shocker……there were no mature follicles and the cyst was a little bigger. The doctor said to go ahead with the HCG injection, because there could be a mature follicle on my left ovary. Really? What would make him think that????? So, October cycle = $365 worth of meds wasted.
• Beginning in November, I began working part-time (in addition to my full time job) as the worship/music coordinator at my church. Our music pastor accepted a position at church in another state and left the end of October. I played and sang in the worship band and would fill in when our music pastor was gone, so the church asked me to fill in as the coordinator until a full time Music Pastor was hired. The previous music pastor and his family were also renting a house owned by my church that is right next to the church. It was exactly what we were looking for, 3 bedroom, full basement for storage, fenced yard for the dogs and pretty affordable. So, we were able to move into this house and the part-time income from the church is basically paying the rent. It was pretty amazing the way it all worked out, definitely a blessing for my family. Our goal in renting is to finish paying off all of our debt and save to begin building a house on our property. Because of the added part-time income, we will have ALL of our debt paid off by April, maybe by March, and then should have enough saved to begin building by this time next year! I am so excited to be debt free. We went through a Financial Peace University class a year ago and have been working to pay off all of our debt since then. All we have left are 2 student loans.
• November Cycle: Well, the timing was such that my Day 11 monitoring appt and potentially my HCG injection would fall right on Thanksgiving weekend. So, we decided to only take 5 mg Femara on Days 3-7 and forgo the monitoring ultra sounds and expensive injections. It was kind of hard to not know what was going on with my ovaries/follicles, but it was nice not to have all those doctor appointments. I used OPK’s to see when my LH surged. I also got a nasty cold the same weekend that I was ovulating…..fun times. I didn’t take any cold medicine or even excess Vitamin C, because I read in Making Babies that both of those things can dry up cervical mucus. So, I was extra miserable with my cold, but I was hoping it would all be worth it in two weeks when we got a BFP. When I started taking the pro.metrium, I started getting bad headaches the very next day. I had a headache for about 5 days straight, and this was after I had recovered from my cold. Headaches are listed as a possible side effect, but I have never experienced this in previous months. Of course, I thought maybe I was getting headaches because I am pregnant and my body is already producing lots of progesterone (ha! Right, that would be a first) and the added pro-metrium was giving me headaches. Guess what….this was not the case. I got a BFN on Sunday the 12th.
• I started reading Making Babies after reading Courtney’s review on her blog. I am still not finished with the book, but will probably write a blog about this book once I am finished. I have started to implement some of the things from the book.
• December Cycle: It is looking like today will be Day 1, I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday, but it has disappeared. If today is Day 1, then my Day 11 monitoring u/s will fall right on Christmas weekend. So, I have a bit of a dilemma. Do I just take Fe.mara again? It obviously wasn’t successful last month, but could this be the month? Do I try to work around the Christmas holiday to schedule appointments? Or do I completely sit this cycle out and pray that we miraculously conceive au’ natural? I just don’t know. The least likely decision is to try to schedule monitoring appointments around Christmas, that just doesn’t sound very festive.
• 2nd Opinion. R and I have decided that this will be my last cycle before getting a 2nd opinion. Our biggest issue with my current doc is that he seems content to treat us like every other couple based on statistics vs. digging deeper to find out what our specific issues are and trying to fix or at least treat those specific needs. I think this is pretty typical of western medicine, unfortunately, at least in regards to infertility. I have also had way too many frustrating experiences with his nurses. I think it is safe to say that I know way more about infertility then most of his nurses. Also, it seems pretty simple, but doesn’t it make sense to read the most recent case notes before speaking with a patient? Just a thought. There is only one RE in the state I live in and he practices in a city about 4 hours away from me. But, I recently found out that this RE travels to a city about 90 miles from me to see patients. So, I scheduled a consult with him in January. Yay! I am really excited to get a fresh perspective. His clinic will begin offering IVF in January, which is the first clinic in my state to do this. Very cool, but I am a little nervous that he will be pushing IVF. I will soon find out. I am kind of dreading calling my current clinic to request that they fax my records to the new clinic. Awkward.
• Fun times with the hubby. R and I have a fun-packed December. We went to a concert on Sunday night that was fantastic and stayed that night in a hotel instead of driving the 90 miles home late at night. We are going skiing this weekend and staying overnight at the lodge. For Christmas, we rented a cabin fairly close by. We will spend Christmas at the cabin with R’s Dad and our doggies. It’s been really nice to just enjoy my husband’s company. On Monday night, we were visiting after work. I had to leave to go to yoga, and my husband said, “Do you have to go? It’s been really nice just talking with you.” How sweet is that? I love those moments of just talking, enjoying each other’s company. I have a good man. I feel so blessed that my husband is my best friend.
I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet puppies in the snow.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Announcements
I wonder who will make their announcement tomorrow? That’s what I asked my husband last night after receiving the 2nd pregnancy announcement in 2 days.
Announcement #1
My mom and sister-in-law were visiting this past weekend, and I knew that my SIL had been taking clomid for the past few cycles in an attempt to make her body ovulate. She doesn’t ovulate on her own at all, so she started seeing an OB/GYN and he said he would try for a few clomid cycles and then refer her to an RE if that didn’t work. When she didn’t seem to respond to clomid, I was really encouraging her to see an RE. But she wanted to finish out the three clomid cycles before moving on. On the last cycle it once again looked like her follicles just weren’t maturing. So, she was completely shocked when she got a positive HPT a couple weeks ago, and so was her doctor. Neither of them thought there was any chance that she would conceive on that cycle. She had an ultra sound last week and saw the little baby and heard the heartbeat!
She was really nervous to tell me for fear that she would make me feel bad. It is very sweet of her to think of my feelings. I am truly excited for her and so thankful that she didn’t have to go through years of testing and treatment to become pregnant, but it does make me sad for myself, that it hasn’t been that easy for me, and I am still waiting for my baby. It also makes me regret not starting treatments sooner, but at the same time, I believe that God has a plan for each of us, and his timing is perfect.
Also on Sunday, the message in church was about having courage when we face trials whether big or small. I felt God reminding me to have courage and keep trusting Him. My SIL also said that she has fears that something is wrong on the days that she doesn’t feel the pregnancy symptoms, and the message reminded her to trust God with her fears.
Yesterday was a crazy day! My husband left for an over-night work trip and my parents left their dog with us for a couple days. So, I came home from work at lunch to check on the dogs (my parent’s dog and our 2 dogs) and let them go outside. Then, I left work at 2:30 to go to my doctor’s appt. I had been waiting to see my doctor for a month to discuss starting a medicated cycle w/out IUI. I was praying that I would have a longer cycle the previous month so that I wouldn’t have to wait another month after seeing my doctor to actually start the meds. God answered my prayer, because I started my period on Sunday, so I saw the doctor on cycle day 2. I still took a HPT on Saturday, but I was only mildly disappointed with the BFN, since it meant that I would be able to start meds on the next cycle.
It was the most positive experience I have ever had at my doctor’s office. I usually wait a minimum of 30 minutes before seeing my doctor, but today I was speaking with my doctor probably within 5 minutes of my scheduled visit. Amazing! There were even 2 groups of families going in for ultra sounds and it didn’t even bother me. Well, ok, it bothered me a little bit, but I didn’t have to fight back tears, so I will call that a victory! When I met with my doctor, he really took his time. He reviewed my entire file, took notes and asked me questions about my history. It was so nice, I didn’t feel rushed at all. I asked him if it was a slow day around here. He said yeah, I don’t know what happened. Everyone who was supposed to be here must have delivered over the weekend.
After looking through the file, he mentioned that my husband’s SA was ok, but possibly border-line ok. He said that the SA was done at our local hospital and so the results were reliable, but could be better (?) from a place that specializes in SA’s. If I remember correctly, he said that his numbers were close to 60 million per ml, with 58% morphology and 57% motility. I could have the morph. & mot. switched, but they were pretty close to the same. Basically it means that there are about 20 million good sperm in each ml. He said that ideally you should have a minimum of 20 million in order to conceive naturally and 5-10 million for IUI. But, if those results are off a little bit, it could make a big difference in whether he recommends IUI or not. The closest place to do the SA is about 2 hours away. My doctor also said that because we conceived spontaneously last April, that most likely it isn’t an issue. So, he gave me the option of going ahead with a medicated cycle this month or waiting and getting another SA before moving ahead with medications. My instinct was to pass on the 2nd SA at this time, b/c I know my husband will not be excited about driving 2 hours to do an SA, my husband is pretty set against IUI right now, and b/c we did conceive naturally 6 months ago. Basically the plan is to do the same protocol as we did with my last IUI, but with femara instead of clomid. I was very happy that my doctor suggested this, because it is what I was hoping for. My doctor also gave me his personal cell phone number in case I have any problems… I was blown away! He is a very kind doctor, and I think he shows extra care to patients that have been through difficulties and loss. I was so appreciative of that gesture.
I was pretty sure that we would go ahead with treatment this cycle, but I wanted to call R with the SA information before moving forward. I called R and he felt the same as I did, and was a little puzzled that this was just now mentioned (2 years after the SA and being told that his results were “normal”). So, I called the doctor’s office back and told them I wanted to go ahead with treatment this cycle. They were able to squeeze me in for an ultra sound if I could get back to the office by 4:15. By that point, I was almost home, on the other side of town, but turned around and drove back to the office. I got my favorite ultra sound tech, and she remembered me from like 6 months ago. She is very sweet and explains everything she sees. She even experimented with some 3D pictures, since she had just learned some new things at a conference over the weekend. She said that most people just think of it as being used to get cute baby pictures, but she said it can be really helpful for other things. For instance, she used it to get a 3D view of my endometrium. I had a ton of follicles, but none that were too large. My doctor even came in the room after the u/s and told me everything looks good and the nurses called in my meds. He even mentioned again that I have his number if I have any questions or problems. I left thinking, wow, I wish all my visits were like that! So, here is the protocol: Femara on days 3-7, FSH injection on day 9 and HCG injection when the follicles are big and ripe.
Announcement #2
Next, I had just enough time to run home, feed the dogs and drive back into town for my first yoga class. I signed up for a weekly yoga class at the community college and was really excited to start the classes, but after running around all afternoon, I was tempted to skip the class. I probably would have if I hadn’t paid for the class already. I made it to class a couple minutes late, but I was so glad I went. It was the most relaxing hour! I left feeling like I had just had a massage , that is how relaxed I felt. Then I went to a friend’s house whose husband was also working out of town. She made me and another friend a wonderful dinner. As soon as I got to her house she told me she is 3 months pregnant. I was really surprised by this announcement. She and her husband are pretty good friends, but I kind of had them pegged as the couple who don’t really want to have kids. I had actually considered opening up about fertility treatments tonight, because I thought who knows, maybe they are going through the same struggle. They know about our adoption falling through last February, but they don’t know about all of our infertility testing, treatments and mis-carriages. I asked her if they had been trying for awhile before they got pregnant, and she said yes, a really long time, like 2 years. It just didn’t feel like the right time to tell her about our 3+ year struggle with infertility and loss. I didn’t want to be a “Debbie Downer”, so I just rejoiced with her and spent the evening talking about all her baby plans. It was actually a really fun girl’s night. We watched a little Dancing with the Stars and laughed a lot. Something we all agreed we should do more often.
So, when I called my husband after leaving my friend’s house to tell him the news, I asked him… who will announce their pregnancy tomorrow? He said I don’t think there is anyone left to do the announcing! Hmmm, hopefully we will be the ones making an announcement in a couple months! Bring on the Femara!
Announcement #1
My mom and sister-in-law were visiting this past weekend, and I knew that my SIL had been taking clomid for the past few cycles in an attempt to make her body ovulate. She doesn’t ovulate on her own at all, so she started seeing an OB/GYN and he said he would try for a few clomid cycles and then refer her to an RE if that didn’t work. When she didn’t seem to respond to clomid, I was really encouraging her to see an RE. But she wanted to finish out the three clomid cycles before moving on. On the last cycle it once again looked like her follicles just weren’t maturing. So, she was completely shocked when she got a positive HPT a couple weeks ago, and so was her doctor. Neither of them thought there was any chance that she would conceive on that cycle. She had an ultra sound last week and saw the little baby and heard the heartbeat!
She was really nervous to tell me for fear that she would make me feel bad. It is very sweet of her to think of my feelings. I am truly excited for her and so thankful that she didn’t have to go through years of testing and treatment to become pregnant, but it does make me sad for myself, that it hasn’t been that easy for me, and I am still waiting for my baby. It also makes me regret not starting treatments sooner, but at the same time, I believe that God has a plan for each of us, and his timing is perfect.
Also on Sunday, the message in church was about having courage when we face trials whether big or small. I felt God reminding me to have courage and keep trusting Him. My SIL also said that she has fears that something is wrong on the days that she doesn’t feel the pregnancy symptoms, and the message reminded her to trust God with her fears.
Yesterday was a crazy day! My husband left for an over-night work trip and my parents left their dog with us for a couple days. So, I came home from work at lunch to check on the dogs (my parent’s dog and our 2 dogs) and let them go outside. Then, I left work at 2:30 to go to my doctor’s appt. I had been waiting to see my doctor for a month to discuss starting a medicated cycle w/out IUI. I was praying that I would have a longer cycle the previous month so that I wouldn’t have to wait another month after seeing my doctor to actually start the meds. God answered my prayer, because I started my period on Sunday, so I saw the doctor on cycle day 2. I still took a HPT on Saturday, but I was only mildly disappointed with the BFN, since it meant that I would be able to start meds on the next cycle.
It was the most positive experience I have ever had at my doctor’s office. I usually wait a minimum of 30 minutes before seeing my doctor, but today I was speaking with my doctor probably within 5 minutes of my scheduled visit. Amazing! There were even 2 groups of families going in for ultra sounds and it didn’t even bother me. Well, ok, it bothered me a little bit, but I didn’t have to fight back tears, so I will call that a victory! When I met with my doctor, he really took his time. He reviewed my entire file, took notes and asked me questions about my history. It was so nice, I didn’t feel rushed at all. I asked him if it was a slow day around here. He said yeah, I don’t know what happened. Everyone who was supposed to be here must have delivered over the weekend.
After looking through the file, he mentioned that my husband’s SA was ok, but possibly border-line ok. He said that the SA was done at our local hospital and so the results were reliable, but could be better (?) from a place that specializes in SA’s. If I remember correctly, he said that his numbers were close to 60 million per ml, with 58% morphology and 57% motility. I could have the morph. & mot. switched, but they were pretty close to the same. Basically it means that there are about 20 million good sperm in each ml. He said that ideally you should have a minimum of 20 million in order to conceive naturally and 5-10 million for IUI. But, if those results are off a little bit, it could make a big difference in whether he recommends IUI or not. The closest place to do the SA is about 2 hours away. My doctor also said that because we conceived spontaneously last April, that most likely it isn’t an issue. So, he gave me the option of going ahead with a medicated cycle this month or waiting and getting another SA before moving ahead with medications. My instinct was to pass on the 2nd SA at this time, b/c I know my husband will not be excited about driving 2 hours to do an SA, my husband is pretty set against IUI right now, and b/c we did conceive naturally 6 months ago. Basically the plan is to do the same protocol as we did with my last IUI, but with femara instead of clomid. I was very happy that my doctor suggested this, because it is what I was hoping for. My doctor also gave me his personal cell phone number in case I have any problems… I was blown away! He is a very kind doctor, and I think he shows extra care to patients that have been through difficulties and loss. I was so appreciative of that gesture.
I was pretty sure that we would go ahead with treatment this cycle, but I wanted to call R with the SA information before moving forward. I called R and he felt the same as I did, and was a little puzzled that this was just now mentioned (2 years after the SA and being told that his results were “normal”). So, I called the doctor’s office back and told them I wanted to go ahead with treatment this cycle. They were able to squeeze me in for an ultra sound if I could get back to the office by 4:15. By that point, I was almost home, on the other side of town, but turned around and drove back to the office. I got my favorite ultra sound tech, and she remembered me from like 6 months ago. She is very sweet and explains everything she sees. She even experimented with some 3D pictures, since she had just learned some new things at a conference over the weekend. She said that most people just think of it as being used to get cute baby pictures, but she said it can be really helpful for other things. For instance, she used it to get a 3D view of my endometrium. I had a ton of follicles, but none that were too large. My doctor even came in the room after the u/s and told me everything looks good and the nurses called in my meds. He even mentioned again that I have his number if I have any questions or problems. I left thinking, wow, I wish all my visits were like that! So, here is the protocol: Femara on days 3-7, FSH injection on day 9 and HCG injection when the follicles are big and ripe.
Announcement #2
Next, I had just enough time to run home, feed the dogs and drive back into town for my first yoga class. I signed up for a weekly yoga class at the community college and was really excited to start the classes, but after running around all afternoon, I was tempted to skip the class. I probably would have if I hadn’t paid for the class already. I made it to class a couple minutes late, but I was so glad I went. It was the most relaxing hour! I left feeling like I had just had a massage , that is how relaxed I felt. Then I went to a friend’s house whose husband was also working out of town. She made me and another friend a wonderful dinner. As soon as I got to her house she told me she is 3 months pregnant. I was really surprised by this announcement. She and her husband are pretty good friends, but I kind of had them pegged as the couple who don’t really want to have kids. I had actually considered opening up about fertility treatments tonight, because I thought who knows, maybe they are going through the same struggle. They know about our adoption falling through last February, but they don’t know about all of our infertility testing, treatments and mis-carriages. I asked her if they had been trying for awhile before they got pregnant, and she said yes, a really long time, like 2 years. It just didn’t feel like the right time to tell her about our 3+ year struggle with infertility and loss. I didn’t want to be a “Debbie Downer”, so I just rejoiced with her and spent the evening talking about all her baby plans. It was actually a really fun girl’s night. We watched a little Dancing with the Stars and laughed a lot. Something we all agreed we should do more often.
So, when I called my husband after leaving my friend’s house to tell him the news, I asked him… who will announce their pregnancy tomorrow? He said I don’t think there is anyone left to do the announcing! Hmmm, hopefully we will be the ones making an announcement in a couple months! Bring on the Femara!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
His burden is light
I have had so many thoughts rolling around in my head lately, but haven't quite known how to put them into words.
I had a breakthrough a couple weeks ago. I was at home alone doing dishes of all things and I was overcome with sadness and worry. I don't know what set me off, but I let my mind go down the path of sadness, self-pity and fear. With soad suds on my hands, I cried out to my heavenly father. I finally let go and gave my burden to the only One who can truly give peace. I told God I can't do this anymore. It's too much. I can't carry this burden any longer. God is so faithful. I truly felt peace and a huge weight lifted. I have continued to feel this peace. When feelings of sadness start to creep back in, I give it over to God. I don't know why it took me so long to finally fall on my knees. Why did I have to try for so many months to do it on my own? Asking God to take my burden is so simple, and yet, it is so hard sometimes.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
I had a breakthrough a couple weeks ago. I was at home alone doing dishes of all things and I was overcome with sadness and worry. I don't know what set me off, but I let my mind go down the path of sadness, self-pity and fear. With soad suds on my hands, I cried out to my heavenly father. I finally let go and gave my burden to the only One who can truly give peace. I told God I can't do this anymore. It's too much. I can't carry this burden any longer. God is so faithful. I truly felt peace and a huge weight lifted. I have continued to feel this peace. When feelings of sadness start to creep back in, I give it over to God. I don't know why it took me so long to finally fall on my knees. Why did I have to try for so many months to do it on my own? Asking God to take my burden is so simple, and yet, it is so hard sometimes.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Plan & a Psalm
The title of my post is sort of comical, since nothing seems to ever go as planned. Maybe it should be re-named: The Plan as I Know It today.
In my last post, I wrote about the fact that my husband feels strongly that he does not want to do IUI again, but doesn't have any problems with using fertility meds. So we decided that we would do a medicated cycle, basically the same as an IUI cycle, but without the Dr. assisted insemination.
During my previous IUI cycle, I used clomid on days 3-7, a folicle stimulating injection on day 8 and then HCG injection when the follicles were mature. But, I have read that clomid can reduce cervical mucous, which could cause problems if we aren't doing IUI. So, I scheduled an appt. with my Dr. to see if he can prescribe a different medication, possibly femara. The only problem is the soonest I can get into see my Dr. is Sept. 20th. I was hoping to see him in time to start meds on my next cycle. Day 1 would be Sept. 15th if I have a 28 day cycle. I had a 32 day cycle last month and a 28 day cycle the month before. So, I am praying for an extra long cycle this month.
I had been having acupuncture and taking an herbal supplement during the past few cycles. But, I think I am going to pass on the acupuncture this month. It's not that I don't think it is helpful, I just am ready for a break this month. I think I will continue the herbal supplement though.
Last night I read this in Psalm 77:
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways , O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."
Psalm 77:11-14.
Lately I have been so consumed with my desire to be a mom, and my heart break in losing my babies, that I forget that God is so much bigger than all of this. What god is so great as our God? He performs miracles and displays power among the peoples! Amen.
In my last post, I wrote about the fact that my husband feels strongly that he does not want to do IUI again, but doesn't have any problems with using fertility meds. So we decided that we would do a medicated cycle, basically the same as an IUI cycle, but without the Dr. assisted insemination.
During my previous IUI cycle, I used clomid on days 3-7, a folicle stimulating injection on day 8 and then HCG injection when the follicles were mature. But, I have read that clomid can reduce cervical mucous, which could cause problems if we aren't doing IUI. So, I scheduled an appt. with my Dr. to see if he can prescribe a different medication, possibly femara. The only problem is the soonest I can get into see my Dr. is Sept. 20th. I was hoping to see him in time to start meds on my next cycle. Day 1 would be Sept. 15th if I have a 28 day cycle. I had a 32 day cycle last month and a 28 day cycle the month before. So, I am praying for an extra long cycle this month.
I had been having acupuncture and taking an herbal supplement during the past few cycles. But, I think I am going to pass on the acupuncture this month. It's not that I don't think it is helpful, I just am ready for a break this month. I think I will continue the herbal supplement though.
Last night I read this in Psalm 77:
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways , O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."
Psalm 77:11-14.
Lately I have been so consumed with my desire to be a mom, and my heart break in losing my babies, that I forget that God is so much bigger than all of this. What god is so great as our God? He performs miracles and displays power among the peoples! Amen.
30
Yep, I turned 30 last week. It was a bitter sweet Birthday. I had a wonderful birthday week. My husband and I took a week long vacation, visiting family, and doing some traveling on our own. But, I have to admit that I was not really looking forward to turning 30, because I hate the idea of being 30 and childless. I never Ever thought I would be here.
The timing of my cycle was such that I could have a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. Even though my period wasn't due for another 2-3 days, I thought it was possible that I could still have a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I should test on my birthday, because I thought a negative result could ruin my day. But, I knew I would be thinking about it all day, so I might as well test and be done with it. So, I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I really hoped that I would be pregnant. How amazing would that be to find out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday?! (A littel side story: My husband and I had actually joked about this in the previous weeks. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a baby. He said he already had something in mind. I said, Did you give me a baby!? He said no, but maybe God did.) I was determined not to let this put a damper on our day. So, I started getting ready for the day and low and behold I start my period. My period decides to start 3 days early on my 30th birthday. It felt like a slap in the face! (On a side note, my luteal phase was only 10 days, which is abnormally short for me.) I was still doing pretty well, not shedding any tears, trying to stay positive.
At lunch, R and I somehow started talking about fertility treatment plans. In my mind, I thought we had agreed that after trying naturally for a few months (after my last mis-carriage), we would go back to IUI. R told me that he does not want to do IUI again. He does't have a problem with using fertility meds, but he really doesn't like the idea of a Dr. doing the insemination. I tried explaining that it still requires the miracle of sperm and egg meeting and developing into an embryo. But, apparently he feels very strongly about this. This was news to me, and I couldn't hold back the tears. This was my back up plan all along. It has kept me hopeful all summer, knowing that if we don't conceive naturally, we can try IUI again. I still don't agree with his objections to IUI, but I know that I need to respect his concerns and come to some sort of compromise.
As our conversation continued, R said, Babe, you need to let this go (meaning it is out of our control, so it doesn't help to obsess over it). I can't let it go when we have come so close. I also explained to him that I am really struggling with turning 30. Before you turn 30, everyone tells you you are young, you have all the time in the world. At 30 people start telling you, you aren't getting any younger, if you want kids, you better get started. (Literally, we were told this by my husband's friend's dad this week) By 35, the statistics start looking scary. R says, what has changed since yesterday, you haven't suddenly aged over night. I told him that turning 30 just reminds me that my time is limited.
After lunch, we took a walk on the beach. The beach was packed with families playing. I saw parents and grandparents cheering and laughing as their adorable little one played in the surf, and it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away and then saw a young couple who looked completely in love and care free. Ahhhh, more tears! I am in such a strange place. I am desperately longing to be a mother, but also missing the early days in my marriage when life was easy. When we have gone through all that we have gone through, it is impossible to go back to those care free days, and honestly I don't really want that. I didn't know that I could love a person as much as I do my husband. We know each other's hopes, dreams and fears. We have cried with each other, laughed with each other, had arguments and asked for forgiveness. We have loved and supported each other through hard times, and I am thankful for that.
The timing of my cycle was such that I could have a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. Even though my period wasn't due for another 2-3 days, I thought it was possible that I could still have a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I should test on my birthday, because I thought a negative result could ruin my day. But, I knew I would be thinking about it all day, so I might as well test and be done with it. So, I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I really hoped that I would be pregnant. How amazing would that be to find out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday?! (A littel side story: My husband and I had actually joked about this in the previous weeks. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a baby. He said he already had something in mind. I said, Did you give me a baby!? He said no, but maybe God did.) I was determined not to let this put a damper on our day. So, I started getting ready for the day and low and behold I start my period. My period decides to start 3 days early on my 30th birthday. It felt like a slap in the face! (On a side note, my luteal phase was only 10 days, which is abnormally short for me.) I was still doing pretty well, not shedding any tears, trying to stay positive.
At lunch, R and I somehow started talking about fertility treatment plans. In my mind, I thought we had agreed that after trying naturally for a few months (after my last mis-carriage), we would go back to IUI. R told me that he does not want to do IUI again. He does't have a problem with using fertility meds, but he really doesn't like the idea of a Dr. doing the insemination. I tried explaining that it still requires the miracle of sperm and egg meeting and developing into an embryo. But, apparently he feels very strongly about this. This was news to me, and I couldn't hold back the tears. This was my back up plan all along. It has kept me hopeful all summer, knowing that if we don't conceive naturally, we can try IUI again. I still don't agree with his objections to IUI, but I know that I need to respect his concerns and come to some sort of compromise.
As our conversation continued, R said, Babe, you need to let this go (meaning it is out of our control, so it doesn't help to obsess over it). I can't let it go when we have come so close. I also explained to him that I am really struggling with turning 30. Before you turn 30, everyone tells you you are young, you have all the time in the world. At 30 people start telling you, you aren't getting any younger, if you want kids, you better get started. (Literally, we were told this by my husband's friend's dad this week) By 35, the statistics start looking scary. R says, what has changed since yesterday, you haven't suddenly aged over night. I told him that turning 30 just reminds me that my time is limited.
After lunch, we took a walk on the beach. The beach was packed with families playing. I saw parents and grandparents cheering and laughing as their adorable little one played in the surf, and it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away and then saw a young couple who looked completely in love and care free. Ahhhh, more tears! I am in such a strange place. I am desperately longing to be a mother, but also missing the early days in my marriage when life was easy. When we have gone through all that we have gone through, it is impossible to go back to those care free days, and honestly I don't really want that. I didn't know that I could love a person as much as I do my husband. We know each other's hopes, dreams and fears. We have cried with each other, laughed with each other, had arguments and asked for forgiveness. We have loved and supported each other through hard times, and I am thankful for that.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A Hard Week
I have had some tough days this week. I haven't cried in awhile, you know REALLY cried, with full-on puffy eyes and snotty nose. I get tears in my eyes from time to time when I start letting my thoughts drift back to my pregnancy and mis-carriage, but I don't usually let myself go there, to the place of deep sadness.
I have two people very close to me who are pregnant right now. I know countless pregnant women, but these two are especially close to my heart. One of these friends found out she was pregnant (for the first time) the week after I found out I was pregnant. We went through the first two weeks of our pregnancies together. She has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy, and I.....didn't. She began posting facebook updates/ultra sound pictures at about 7 weeks pregnant. She is very sweet and sensitive to my feelings, but every update from her is a reminder of where I would have been in my pregnancy. On my way home from work last week, she sent me a text to ask for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. Uuuuugh, it felt like a punch in the gut. I immediately felt that same deep sadness and loss and hopelessness. I started having those self-pity thoughts....Will this ever get any better? I'm broken...Nothing can make what has happened right. But, I tried to stop my negative thoughts, and change my attitude before I got home. Once I got home, I was trying to hold it together. My husband said something negative about what I had planned for dinner, and that's all it took. I burst into tears. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting on the couch looking at me like I am crazy. I explained to him what brought tears to my eyes. I think he understood, but sometimes he doesn't quite know how to respond to my tears. And unfortunately, he has had to deal with my tears a lot lately. I ended up going to the bedroom and I cried, I mean REALLY cried.
While writing this, I just now realized that I didn't once cry out to my Heavenly Father. I tried to hold it together myself. It didn't occur to me to talk to God about my pain. This is something I have been struggling with since my mis-carriage. I am struggling with trusting God completely. I feel a distance between myself and God, and I know it is because I continue to hold back. I am afraid to have hope again, only to have my heartbroken.
My other friend who is pregnant, is a very close friend. She told me she was 14 weeks pregnant with her first baby (after trying for one month, but that's beside the point) the week after my mis-carriage. I am so excited for this girl. She is such a sweetheart, and I can't wait to see her become a mom. Last Sunday, I was grabbing my bible on my way to church and some ultra sound pictures fell out of my bible. I had completely forgotten that I had put the pictures in there....yeah, that's how long it's been since I have flipped through the pages of my Bible. It didn't bother me at the time. While in church, we were singing worship songs, I kept tearing up every time I would look at my friend's adorable pregnant belly. I couldn't stop looking at her tummy, but the tears were about to spill over, so I looked away, only to have my eyes find their way back to her tummy again. With the tears come sadness. And I just kept thinking, I hate feeling like this. I hate that a beautiful glowing pregnant woman makes me sad. This doesn't happen often, but for some reason it happened too many times this week.
I have two people very close to me who are pregnant right now. I know countless pregnant women, but these two are especially close to my heart. One of these friends found out she was pregnant (for the first time) the week after I found out I was pregnant. We went through the first two weeks of our pregnancies together. She has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy, and I.....didn't. She began posting facebook updates/ultra sound pictures at about 7 weeks pregnant. She is very sweet and sensitive to my feelings, but every update from her is a reminder of where I would have been in my pregnancy. On my way home from work last week, she sent me a text to ask for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. Uuuuugh, it felt like a punch in the gut. I immediately felt that same deep sadness and loss and hopelessness. I started having those self-pity thoughts....Will this ever get any better? I'm broken...Nothing can make what has happened right. But, I tried to stop my negative thoughts, and change my attitude before I got home. Once I got home, I was trying to hold it together. My husband said something negative about what I had planned for dinner, and that's all it took. I burst into tears. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting on the couch looking at me like I am crazy. I explained to him what brought tears to my eyes. I think he understood, but sometimes he doesn't quite know how to respond to my tears. And unfortunately, he has had to deal with my tears a lot lately. I ended up going to the bedroom and I cried, I mean REALLY cried.
While writing this, I just now realized that I didn't once cry out to my Heavenly Father. I tried to hold it together myself. It didn't occur to me to talk to God about my pain. This is something I have been struggling with since my mis-carriage. I am struggling with trusting God completely. I feel a distance between myself and God, and I know it is because I continue to hold back. I am afraid to have hope again, only to have my heartbroken.
My other friend who is pregnant, is a very close friend. She told me she was 14 weeks pregnant with her first baby (after trying for one month, but that's beside the point) the week after my mis-carriage. I am so excited for this girl. She is such a sweetheart, and I can't wait to see her become a mom. Last Sunday, I was grabbing my bible on my way to church and some ultra sound pictures fell out of my bible. I had completely forgotten that I had put the pictures in there....yeah, that's how long it's been since I have flipped through the pages of my Bible. It didn't bother me at the time. While in church, we were singing worship songs, I kept tearing up every time I would look at my friend's adorable pregnant belly. I couldn't stop looking at her tummy, but the tears were about to spill over, so I looked away, only to have my eyes find their way back to her tummy again. With the tears come sadness. And I just kept thinking, I hate feeling like this. I hate that a beautiful glowing pregnant woman makes me sad. This doesn't happen often, but for some reason it happened too many times this week.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The road less traveled
I thought I would start with a bit of history to explain how I came to be at this place in my life.
My husband (whom I will refer to as R) and I were married four years ago in July 2006. Six months later, I stopped taking birth control. I guess I should mention that 12 years earlier I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 14. I had been on birth control pills for most of the next 12 years. I always assumed I would have trouble conceiving, so R and I decided we should get started sooner rather than later, given my history. We weren’t really trying at first, but I was pleased that I was having regular cycles (28 days to the hour practically), and didn’t seem to be having any symptoms of PCOS. Six months after stopping birth control, I was 2 days late (which was a first for me), and I thought that I could be pregnant. I was really upset when AF (Aunt Flo, or as my husband calls it, the visitor) started a couple days late, and at this point R and I began thinking that we really did want to start TTC for real.
Fast forward to April 2008, a few people told me about Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Up until this point, I had no idea that my body was giving me so many clues every month, showing me exactly when I was most fertile. I also saw my OBGYN for my yearly appointment, and told her we had started TTC. She gave the standard answer, you are young and healthy, give it another 6 months. She did do some blood work and suggested a semen analysis test for my husband. All the tests came back completely normal. So, we kept trying and each month AF kept showing up.
Finally, in November, I got a referral to the doctor in the practice that specializes in infertility. (I live in a rural state that doesn’t have ANY RE’s in the entire state!) He gave me the standard statement…”You are young and healthy, time is on your side.” He scheduled an HSG and told me he expected that it would turn out fine, but it is standard procedure to start with this test. I had the HSG and the nurse called me a couple days later and says that my left fallopian tube is blocked with a hydrosalpinx, and the doctor wants to see me in person to discuss options. I was totally naive and thought, well this explains why we haven’t conceived, I’m sure they can just unblock the tube.
It took a month, after several canceled/rescheduled appointments by my doctor’s office, before I got to meet with my doctor. He tells me that I need to have my left fallopian tube removed, because the hydrosalpinx, if not removed, causes a 50% increased chance of miscarriage, plus the tube is useless while it’s blocked. He goes on to tell me that the right tube took quite a bit of pressure for the fluid to pass through, so it is possible that the right tube may be damaged as well, which would leave IVF as our only option. I was in shock. It felt like a huge loss. We had just begun this infertility journey, and I was not ready to jump into IVF. **As a side not, it was at this point that I really started researching infertility. Everything the doctor told me, and every symptom I had, I began reading everything I could.**
I had laparoscopic surgery in 02/2009. My left fallopian tube was removed, but the right tube looked healthy and was left intact. I was so happy to still have a chance to conceive on our own! The doctor also found some endometriosis that he was able to remove, which explained my painful cramping during my period. At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that my right tube again took quite a bit of pressure for liquid to pass through it during the surgery, so he doesn’t know if it is fully functioning. He said that we should continue to try naturally for at least 6 months. Over the next several months, I had some cycles where I was 5-6 days late. AF can be such a tease! In those 5-6 days, I would start planning the next 9 months, my due date, how I would tell my husband…..and then AF would show up. I began thinking that my right tube was now blocked. So, I made an appointment with my doctor in December 2009. He said we could try IUI or IVF and gave me all the statistics for these options. I requested that I have another HSG before I make the decision of what treatment to pursue. My HSG showed clear spillage of the dye through the right fallopian tube. It was a beautiful site! But, now we had no explanation for why we hadn’t conceived. We were officially diagnosed with “Unexplained Infertility.” The doctor gave us the go ahead with our first IUI cycle.
We were ready to start IUI w/ clomid, follistim and HCG trigger as soon as my cycle started in January. That was our plan, but God had a different plan.
The weekend before my cycle was due, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law, asking R and I to consider adopting the soon-to-be born baby of her childhood friend. Her friend had been staying with her for the past few months, and Child Protection Services was also involved ( it was very apparent that she would not be able to care for this baby once it was born). So her options were to choose an adoptive family herself, or have CPS remove her baby and choose a family for her. R and I had talked about adopting “some day”, but we were not anywhere near starting the adoption process. When I brought this up to R, he was completely against it. His reaction was so strong that it seemed very clear that this wasn’t for us. 24 hours later, my husband had a complete change of heart and felt very strongly that this is God’s plan for us. Oh, and did I mention, this baby was due in a little over a month. So, we jump head over heals into the adoption world. Completely clueless about what we were getting ourselves into. We scheduled our home study, contacted lawyers and adoption agencies. For the next month, every single day of our lives was a roller coaster. Each day I started my day crying out to the Lord for this unborn baby, birth mother and strength and guidance for R and I. The only way I got through those days was by trusting God, but it was still the most stressful and emotionally exhausting time of my life. In February, the birth mother changed her mind, and less than 48 hours after her baby boy was born, it was placed with a foster family. When we finally had closure, I was sad, but also relieved just to have the roller coaster come to an end. R and I came so close to becoming parents. We knew without a doubt, we really REALLY wanted to be parents. We were and still are soooo ready! There is so much more I want to say about all that we went through and learned with the adoption, but I will save that for another post.
After the adoption door had officially been closed, we went back to the original plan of IUI. We started our 1st IUI March 3rd. The cycle went really well, I think I had 2 nice mature follicles. The only hiccup happened the day of the IUI. My normal doctor was gone that week, so I would be working with a doctor I had never met before. His office called me 15 minutes before we were supposed to arrive with the specimen and they said that the doctor is in surgery and running late, so hold off on getting the specimen (that is the nicest way I can think of putting it). I was just about to leave work, so I called my husband and he said the deed had already been done. Yikes! I panicked and called the office back and they said to just keep it warm until they call us. Hmmmm….ok?! Ryan was already on his way, so we met in the parking lot, and sat together keeping his little guys warm. I felt like a mother hen, keeping my little eggs(so to speak) warm. Hahaha. Thankfully the office called within 15 minutes and said the doctor was on his way. R’s sperm survived and were in great shape. The rest was quick and painless, but so not how I ever imagined conceiving a child.
Two weeks later I took a HPT and after 3 minutes I saw a very very light 2nd line. My husband thought I was crazy, but after BFN’s for years, I was calling this a positive. I called the doctor’s office and they ordered a beta & progesterone level. My beta was 14 & prog 6. They said it is possible that this will be a viable pregnancy, but most likely it is an early mis-carriage. Two days later, my beta level had only increased to 18. AF arrived within 3 days. I found out I was pregnant on March 16th and mis-carried on the 21st. I was disappointed, but excited to know that we could actually conceive. The doctor told us to take the next month off, then start round 2.
That’s exactly what we did. I didn’t think about cervical mucous, ovulation, basal body temps or scheduling babymaking. I did start acupuncture and an herbal supplement this month, in preparation for my next IUI. By April 21st I hadn’t started my period. I had a dollar store HPT at home, so I decided to just check. After a few minutes I had a very faint 2nd line. I thought great, another repeat of last month. I decided to pick up a namebrand HPT (the same ones I used in the last cycle) on my way to work. I drank a bunch of water and held it for 2 hours and tested again. The preg. line immediately showed up, and it was much darker than last cycle. I couldn’t believe it! How did this happen? This is like the Holy Grail for Infertiles. To get pregnant on a break month…….it seemed too good to be true.
My beta was 81 and 217 two days later. Amazing! But my prog. was only 8. Three days later after another beta level of 730, my doctor prescribed a progesterone supplement. It felt like…. perfection! Before this, I had come to the point of accepting that we probably wouldn’t conceive naturally like so many other couples do. I was ok with that, but to be able to conceive the old fashioned way, making love to my husband, was an amazing blessing. It all felt so right. With my progesterone level being low, my doctor offered to do an ultra sound at almost 6 weeks. We saw the sac, but it was too early to see a heartbeat. One week later with my husband by my side, we saw and heard the most amazing thing. Our little baby had a strong heartbeat at 124 bpm. My doctor told me that the chances of mis-carriage after seeing a heartrate above 120 bpm is less than 5%. Yes! We could finally breath a huge sigh of relief.
Only 2 days later, I started spotting very lightly. When it continued the next day, I called the doctor’s office. They said I shouldn’t be concerned, but to call back if I start cramping or the flow increases. The next day, May 12th, at 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, the spotting became darker and heavier. I called the office and they got me in for an ultra sound that afternoon. Again with my husband by my side, we waited in anticipation of seeing that beautiful heartbeat. But…. no heartbeat could be found. I immediately began crying. The doctor talked for several minutes while I tried to contain my sobs. He repeated the same things from the previous cycle…”You didn’t do anything to cause this. This just happens sometimes, most likely a genetic abnormality”. None of it was comforting. Only 5 days before, we were bursting with joy. How did this happen? I was completely devastated. It felt like the culmination of 3 years of work, and a lifetime of dreams had just slipped away. I was just….sad and exhausted. I went through a few weeks of crying and obsessing. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy and how it all came to an end. It was on constant repeat in my mind. I still have sad days and don’t think I will ever really get over it.
R and I decided to take the summer off from any medical intervention. We were both tired and desperately needed a break. So, that’s where we are at. I am in my 2nd cycle since the mis-carriage. I am continuing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and we are hoping for another miracle conception naturally or w/ medical help. If we do not conceive naturally, we will most likely start IUI treatments again in the fall.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few months now. I have to admit, I have been a blog lurker for a good 3-4 months. I have gained so much comfort and encouragement just from reading other women’s blogs and am excited to join the community. I also want to have a place to document all that R and I go through and see God’s provision through it all.
My husband (whom I will refer to as R) and I were married four years ago in July 2006. Six months later, I stopped taking birth control. I guess I should mention that 12 years earlier I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 14. I had been on birth control pills for most of the next 12 years. I always assumed I would have trouble conceiving, so R and I decided we should get started sooner rather than later, given my history. We weren’t really trying at first, but I was pleased that I was having regular cycles (28 days to the hour practically), and didn’t seem to be having any symptoms of PCOS. Six months after stopping birth control, I was 2 days late (which was a first for me), and I thought that I could be pregnant. I was really upset when AF (Aunt Flo, or as my husband calls it, the visitor) started a couple days late, and at this point R and I began thinking that we really did want to start TTC for real.
Fast forward to April 2008, a few people told me about Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Up until this point, I had no idea that my body was giving me so many clues every month, showing me exactly when I was most fertile. I also saw my OBGYN for my yearly appointment, and told her we had started TTC. She gave the standard answer, you are young and healthy, give it another 6 months. She did do some blood work and suggested a semen analysis test for my husband. All the tests came back completely normal. So, we kept trying and each month AF kept showing up.
Finally, in November, I got a referral to the doctor in the practice that specializes in infertility. (I live in a rural state that doesn’t have ANY RE’s in the entire state!) He gave me the standard statement…”You are young and healthy, time is on your side.” He scheduled an HSG and told me he expected that it would turn out fine, but it is standard procedure to start with this test. I had the HSG and the nurse called me a couple days later and says that my left fallopian tube is blocked with a hydrosalpinx, and the doctor wants to see me in person to discuss options. I was totally naive and thought, well this explains why we haven’t conceived, I’m sure they can just unblock the tube.
It took a month, after several canceled/rescheduled appointments by my doctor’s office, before I got to meet with my doctor. He tells me that I need to have my left fallopian tube removed, because the hydrosalpinx, if not removed, causes a 50% increased chance of miscarriage, plus the tube is useless while it’s blocked. He goes on to tell me that the right tube took quite a bit of pressure for the fluid to pass through, so it is possible that the right tube may be damaged as well, which would leave IVF as our only option. I was in shock. It felt like a huge loss. We had just begun this infertility journey, and I was not ready to jump into IVF. **As a side not, it was at this point that I really started researching infertility. Everything the doctor told me, and every symptom I had, I began reading everything I could.**
I had laparoscopic surgery in 02/2009. My left fallopian tube was removed, but the right tube looked healthy and was left intact. I was so happy to still have a chance to conceive on our own! The doctor also found some endometriosis that he was able to remove, which explained my painful cramping during my period. At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that my right tube again took quite a bit of pressure for liquid to pass through it during the surgery, so he doesn’t know if it is fully functioning. He said that we should continue to try naturally for at least 6 months. Over the next several months, I had some cycles where I was 5-6 days late. AF can be such a tease! In those 5-6 days, I would start planning the next 9 months, my due date, how I would tell my husband…..and then AF would show up. I began thinking that my right tube was now blocked. So, I made an appointment with my doctor in December 2009. He said we could try IUI or IVF and gave me all the statistics for these options. I requested that I have another HSG before I make the decision of what treatment to pursue. My HSG showed clear spillage of the dye through the right fallopian tube. It was a beautiful site! But, now we had no explanation for why we hadn’t conceived. We were officially diagnosed with “Unexplained Infertility.” The doctor gave us the go ahead with our first IUI cycle.
We were ready to start IUI w/ clomid, follistim and HCG trigger as soon as my cycle started in January. That was our plan, but God had a different plan.
The weekend before my cycle was due, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law, asking R and I to consider adopting the soon-to-be born baby of her childhood friend. Her friend had been staying with her for the past few months, and Child Protection Services was also involved ( it was very apparent that she would not be able to care for this baby once it was born). So her options were to choose an adoptive family herself, or have CPS remove her baby and choose a family for her. R and I had talked about adopting “some day”, but we were not anywhere near starting the adoption process. When I brought this up to R, he was completely against it. His reaction was so strong that it seemed very clear that this wasn’t for us. 24 hours later, my husband had a complete change of heart and felt very strongly that this is God’s plan for us. Oh, and did I mention, this baby was due in a little over a month. So, we jump head over heals into the adoption world. Completely clueless about what we were getting ourselves into. We scheduled our home study, contacted lawyers and adoption agencies. For the next month, every single day of our lives was a roller coaster. Each day I started my day crying out to the Lord for this unborn baby, birth mother and strength and guidance for R and I. The only way I got through those days was by trusting God, but it was still the most stressful and emotionally exhausting time of my life. In February, the birth mother changed her mind, and less than 48 hours after her baby boy was born, it was placed with a foster family. When we finally had closure, I was sad, but also relieved just to have the roller coaster come to an end. R and I came so close to becoming parents. We knew without a doubt, we really REALLY wanted to be parents. We were and still are soooo ready! There is so much more I want to say about all that we went through and learned with the adoption, but I will save that for another post.
After the adoption door had officially been closed, we went back to the original plan of IUI. We started our 1st IUI March 3rd. The cycle went really well, I think I had 2 nice mature follicles. The only hiccup happened the day of the IUI. My normal doctor was gone that week, so I would be working with a doctor I had never met before. His office called me 15 minutes before we were supposed to arrive with the specimen and they said that the doctor is in surgery and running late, so hold off on getting the specimen (that is the nicest way I can think of putting it). I was just about to leave work, so I called my husband and he said the deed had already been done. Yikes! I panicked and called the office back and they said to just keep it warm until they call us. Hmmmm….ok?! Ryan was already on his way, so we met in the parking lot, and sat together keeping his little guys warm. I felt like a mother hen, keeping my little eggs(so to speak) warm. Hahaha. Thankfully the office called within 15 minutes and said the doctor was on his way. R’s sperm survived and were in great shape. The rest was quick and painless, but so not how I ever imagined conceiving a child.
Two weeks later I took a HPT and after 3 minutes I saw a very very light 2nd line. My husband thought I was crazy, but after BFN’s for years, I was calling this a positive. I called the doctor’s office and they ordered a beta & progesterone level. My beta was 14 & prog 6. They said it is possible that this will be a viable pregnancy, but most likely it is an early mis-carriage. Two days later, my beta level had only increased to 18. AF arrived within 3 days. I found out I was pregnant on March 16th and mis-carried on the 21st. I was disappointed, but excited to know that we could actually conceive. The doctor told us to take the next month off, then start round 2.
That’s exactly what we did. I didn’t think about cervical mucous, ovulation, basal body temps or scheduling babymaking. I did start acupuncture and an herbal supplement this month, in preparation for my next IUI. By April 21st I hadn’t started my period. I had a dollar store HPT at home, so I decided to just check. After a few minutes I had a very faint 2nd line. I thought great, another repeat of last month. I decided to pick up a namebrand HPT (the same ones I used in the last cycle) on my way to work. I drank a bunch of water and held it for 2 hours and tested again. The preg. line immediately showed up, and it was much darker than last cycle. I couldn’t believe it! How did this happen? This is like the Holy Grail for Infertiles. To get pregnant on a break month…….it seemed too good to be true.
My beta was 81 and 217 two days later. Amazing! But my prog. was only 8. Three days later after another beta level of 730, my doctor prescribed a progesterone supplement. It felt like…. perfection! Before this, I had come to the point of accepting that we probably wouldn’t conceive naturally like so many other couples do. I was ok with that, but to be able to conceive the old fashioned way, making love to my husband, was an amazing blessing. It all felt so right. With my progesterone level being low, my doctor offered to do an ultra sound at almost 6 weeks. We saw the sac, but it was too early to see a heartbeat. One week later with my husband by my side, we saw and heard the most amazing thing. Our little baby had a strong heartbeat at 124 bpm. My doctor told me that the chances of mis-carriage after seeing a heartrate above 120 bpm is less than 5%. Yes! We could finally breath a huge sigh of relief.
Only 2 days later, I started spotting very lightly. When it continued the next day, I called the doctor’s office. They said I shouldn’t be concerned, but to call back if I start cramping or the flow increases. The next day, May 12th, at 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, the spotting became darker and heavier. I called the office and they got me in for an ultra sound that afternoon. Again with my husband by my side, we waited in anticipation of seeing that beautiful heartbeat. But…. no heartbeat could be found. I immediately began crying. The doctor talked for several minutes while I tried to contain my sobs. He repeated the same things from the previous cycle…”You didn’t do anything to cause this. This just happens sometimes, most likely a genetic abnormality”. None of it was comforting. Only 5 days before, we were bursting with joy. How did this happen? I was completely devastated. It felt like the culmination of 3 years of work, and a lifetime of dreams had just slipped away. I was just….sad and exhausted. I went through a few weeks of crying and obsessing. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy and how it all came to an end. It was on constant repeat in my mind. I still have sad days and don’t think I will ever really get over it.
R and I decided to take the summer off from any medical intervention. We were both tired and desperately needed a break. So, that’s where we are at. I am in my 2nd cycle since the mis-carriage. I am continuing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and we are hoping for another miracle conception naturally or w/ medical help. If we do not conceive naturally, we will most likely start IUI treatments again in the fall.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few months now. I have to admit, I have been a blog lurker for a good 3-4 months. I have gained so much comfort and encouragement just from reading other women’s blogs and am excited to join the community. I also want to have a place to document all that R and I go through and see God’s provision through it all.
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