My aunt was clearing out her email inbox and came across this email that I sent to her on March 28, 2005. I couldn't believe I had written it 5 years ago, it felt like it spoke directly to my current situation.
Last night, before I went to bed I was reminded of something.... God doesn't owe me anything. Sometimes I get this entitled attitude. I start thinking that because I have chosen to follow Christ, He should give me all the things I want in my life. But the truth is, God doesn't owe me anything. In fact, I owe Him everything for the sacrifice He made for me, and there is a freedom in knowing that I could never DO enough to earn that salvation. But what I CAN do is let go and trust God with each day. Some days, that is easier said than done.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I dit it, I did it, I dit it, hey hey!
I gave myself the injection of FSH on Friday, and guess what... It was no big deal! The needle was tiny and didn't hurt at all going in. I decided to inject it into my thigh by the way. I was mostly worried about the burning when it went in, but I didn't feel the tiniest tinge of any burning. I don't know if it was the adrenaline that made it painless or the difference of injecting into the thigh vs. the arm like the nurses usually do. I think I would actually prefer doing it myself in my thigh, because it has hurt a lot worse when the nurses administered it. The only problem was once I put the needle in, my hand was shaking so bad from the adrenaline, that it took me awhile to push the medication in. Anyway, I did it, Yay!
I had an ultra sound on Monday (Day 12) and had one 24-25 mm follicle on my right ovary, and no dominant follicles on the left ovary. So, that is good, since I only have a fallopian tube on my right side. It is interesting that with Fe.mara I have only produced one follicle, where with Clo.mid I produced at least 2 mature follicles. I guess its a good thing, to have no risk of multiples. The nurse gave me the HCG injection right after the ultra sound, so I should be ovulating right about now.
I am feeling hopeful about this cycle. The hubby and I have had lots of time together, and I think our timing has been perfect this month. Not that timing has made any difference in the previous months. AND, ultimately God can use the best or the worst timing to create a miracle. I am hoping that this cycle will end with a BFP, but I am also looking forward to meeting with a new doctor/RE next month. I am so ready for a new perspective and hopefully getting some real answers. But, if I didn't have to see a new doctor, I wouldn't be upset. :-)
I had an ultra sound on Monday (Day 12) and had one 24-25 mm follicle on my right ovary, and no dominant follicles on the left ovary. So, that is good, since I only have a fallopian tube on my right side. It is interesting that with Fe.mara I have only produced one follicle, where with Clo.mid I produced at least 2 mature follicles. I guess its a good thing, to have no risk of multiples. The nurse gave me the HCG injection right after the ultra sound, so I should be ovulating right about now.
I am feeling hopeful about this cycle. The hubby and I have had lots of time together, and I think our timing has been perfect this month. Not that timing has made any difference in the previous months. AND, ultimately God can use the best or the worst timing to create a miracle. I am hoping that this cycle will end with a BFP, but I am also looking forward to meeting with a new doctor/RE next month. I am so ready for a new perspective and hopefully getting some real answers. But, if I didn't have to see a new doctor, I wouldn't be upset. :-)
My due date
I started this post on Dec 23rd....
I have been really busy this month, which has been good, but I think I have been avoiding thinking about the fact that my due date from my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks is getting very very close. My due date was Dec. 26th. This thought pops into my head at least once a day, but I very quickly push it out of my head. But, as I get closer to the 26th and as I have had a little free time, I have allowed myself to think about it more. This whole Christmas season has felt empty to me. I have gone through the motions, gone shopping, sent out Christmas cards, decorated the tree, but I feel none of the magic and excitement of the season.
And finished it on Dec 28th...
I still don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling. I have felt moments of deep sadness, but I haven't felt overwhelmed with sadness like I expected. The pain isn't nearly as fresh and raw as it was 7 months ago, but it is still there. I also feel a sense of relief to have made it past the due date, because it has been looming out in the future for so many months. While there is relief, there is also disappointment that I am no closer to being a mom. I really thought I would have been pregnant again before my due date. I was really holding out hope that I would get pregnant in November, because I thought it would have made Dec 26th so much easier. Going through this with my husband by my side has brought great comfort and I know that God, the great comforter, is with us and guiding us through this journey.
I have been really busy this month, which has been good, but I think I have been avoiding thinking about the fact that my due date from my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks is getting very very close. My due date was Dec. 26th. This thought pops into my head at least once a day, but I very quickly push it out of my head. But, as I get closer to the 26th and as I have had a little free time, I have allowed myself to think about it more. This whole Christmas season has felt empty to me. I have gone through the motions, gone shopping, sent out Christmas cards, decorated the tree, but I feel none of the magic and excitement of the season.
And finished it on Dec 28th...
I still don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling. I have felt moments of deep sadness, but I haven't felt overwhelmed with sadness like I expected. The pain isn't nearly as fresh and raw as it was 7 months ago, but it is still there. I also feel a sense of relief to have made it past the due date, because it has been looming out in the future for so many months. While there is relief, there is also disappointment that I am no closer to being a mom. I really thought I would have been pregnant again before my due date. I was really holding out hope that I would get pregnant in November, because I thought it would have made Dec 26th so much easier. Going through this with my husband by my side has brought great comfort and I know that God, the great comforter, is with us and guiding us through this journey.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
It's time to be a big girl
Well my cycle started later then I expected, on the 16th, which will allow me to have my Day 12 monitoring ultra sound on the 27th. During my ultra sound on Day 1, it showed that I ovulated on my right side, which is the side with the fallopian tube in tact. That was a little discouraging that I once again ovulated and didn't conceive. So, I took Femara on Days 3-7 again, and .......Dum, dum dum, I have to give myself the FSH injection myself on Day 9, which is on Christmas Eve. I know people do it all the time, and it's only a tiny little needle. I am not looking forward to it, but I think I can do it. I met with the nurse yesterday so she could show me how to mix the medication and give myself the shot. She said I could give it to myself in my thigh or my abdomen. To me it seems easier to do it in my belly because I have more fat there, but the nurse said that some people find it easier in the thigh, because it can be difficult to push the needle into soft tissue in the belly. So, I guess I am going to try the thigh... I think. The only thing that worried me was she said that if after I give myself one shot (I have to give myself 2) if I can't give myself the 2nd one then I can go to the ER to have them give me the injection. I know that it burns when it goes in, I'm prepared for that, but I don't know how I will do pushing that burning medication into myself. I guess I have to put on my big girl pants and just get it done.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Long Overdue Update - 12/15/10
It has been so long since I last posted and so much has been going on, that I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write an update for over a month but have felt overwhelmed every time I think about it. I think that if I write out the details in short bullets, that will help….so here goes:
• September’s Cycle: I had one large mature follicle (22 mm, I think) on my right ovary on my first monitoring ultra sound on Day 11. So, we triggered that day. I have never had mature follicles that early, so apparently my body responds faster to Fe.mara then it did to Clo.mid. It was so unexpected that I didn’t even bring my HCG injection with me to the appointment, so I had to run home and get back to the doctor’s office before they closed to have the nurse give me the shot. I have not graduated to giving myself (or having my husband give me) injections, and I am not looking forward to the day I have to do it myself. I took 200 mg of Prom.etrium twice a day beginning a couple days after triggering. This cycle ended with a BFN.
• The first weekend in October, we accepted an offer on our house. We had been trying to sell our house for over a year on our own and for a couple months with a realtor. Oh yeah, and the closing date was in less than 4 weeks AND, my husband and I were gone for 2 of the three weekends before we had to be moved out of our house. Crazy! One of the weekends was spent at a Military Marriage Enrichment weekend retreat. It was a nice little getaway for R and I. We talked some about fertility treatments. I found out that my husband really doesn’t like it when I “obsess” about getting pregnant. He sees tracking my BBT as obsessing, and I see it as gaining more information/clues about what my body is and isn’t doing. He also thinks that I am obsessing when I become emotional about infertility. For probably 4 months after my mis-carriage, I could hardly have a conversation about TTC w/out tearing up, and I think this is what he is referring too. I can understand his perspective. He wants his wife back, the one who didn’t break down bawling when she received a baby shower announcement. I have definitely been doing a lot better in this aspect, but there is just no way to go back to not feeling the sting of sadness and pain when we are faced with the inevitable pregnancy announcements, baby showers and births of so many of our close friends and family. So, back to the month of October, it was spent packing, figuring out where we would live in a few weeks, and getting through the inspection and appraisal process. Thankfully my parents came and spent a week with us and helped us get packed and moved out of our house. Selling our house was definitely bitter sweet. It was our first house together and we have wonderful memories from our first home. We also had the most amazing neighbors. Seriously, they were the greatest! But, we are moving on new exciting adventure. We will eventually be building a house on some property we bought a few years ago that is close to a lake.
• October’s Cycle: On my day 3 ultra sound, I had a 2+ cm cyst on my left ovary. I talked to my doc and he said that he doesn’t think it will interfere with the cycle. He said he could take an estrogen level to see if it is active, but it was Day 3 on a Friday afternoon, so we wouldn’t get the estrogen level back in time to start meds for this cycle. I specifically asked him, “So this cyst won’t dominate and stop other follicles from maturing?” and he said it shouldn’t. My gut instinct was to sit out this cycle, because of the cyst and moving, but that voice in my head said, what if this is the month? Needless to say, it was NOT the month. They did another ultra sound on Day 9 and the cyst was still there and had grown a little, and none of the other follicles were anywhere close to maturing. I thought for sure, the cycle would be called off. I asked for the doctor to look at my ultra sound before the nurses gave me the FSH injection. No reason to go wasting $250 worth of meds. The doctor said to go ahead. So, I had another ultra sound on Day 12 and shocker……there were no mature follicles and the cyst was a little bigger. The doctor said to go ahead with the HCG injection, because there could be a mature follicle on my left ovary. Really? What would make him think that????? So, October cycle = $365 worth of meds wasted.
• Beginning in November, I began working part-time (in addition to my full time job) as the worship/music coordinator at my church. Our music pastor accepted a position at church in another state and left the end of October. I played and sang in the worship band and would fill in when our music pastor was gone, so the church asked me to fill in as the coordinator until a full time Music Pastor was hired. The previous music pastor and his family were also renting a house owned by my church that is right next to the church. It was exactly what we were looking for, 3 bedroom, full basement for storage, fenced yard for the dogs and pretty affordable. So, we were able to move into this house and the part-time income from the church is basically paying the rent. It was pretty amazing the way it all worked out, definitely a blessing for my family. Our goal in renting is to finish paying off all of our debt and save to begin building a house on our property. Because of the added part-time income, we will have ALL of our debt paid off by April, maybe by March, and then should have enough saved to begin building by this time next year! I am so excited to be debt free. We went through a Financial Peace University class a year ago and have been working to pay off all of our debt since then. All we have left are 2 student loans.
• November Cycle: Well, the timing was such that my Day 11 monitoring appt and potentially my HCG injection would fall right on Thanksgiving weekend. So, we decided to only take 5 mg Femara on Days 3-7 and forgo the monitoring ultra sounds and expensive injections. It was kind of hard to not know what was going on with my ovaries/follicles, but it was nice not to have all those doctor appointments. I used OPK’s to see when my LH surged. I also got a nasty cold the same weekend that I was ovulating…..fun times. I didn’t take any cold medicine or even excess Vitamin C, because I read in Making Babies that both of those things can dry up cervical mucus. So, I was extra miserable with my cold, but I was hoping it would all be worth it in two weeks when we got a BFP. When I started taking the pro.metrium, I started getting bad headaches the very next day. I had a headache for about 5 days straight, and this was after I had recovered from my cold. Headaches are listed as a possible side effect, but I have never experienced this in previous months. Of course, I thought maybe I was getting headaches because I am pregnant and my body is already producing lots of progesterone (ha! Right, that would be a first) and the added pro-metrium was giving me headaches. Guess what….this was not the case. I got a BFN on Sunday the 12th.
• I started reading Making Babies after reading Courtney’s review on her blog. I am still not finished with the book, but will probably write a blog about this book once I am finished. I have started to implement some of the things from the book.
• December Cycle: It is looking like today will be Day 1, I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday, but it has disappeared. If today is Day 1, then my Day 11 monitoring u/s will fall right on Christmas weekend. So, I have a bit of a dilemma. Do I just take Fe.mara again? It obviously wasn’t successful last month, but could this be the month? Do I try to work around the Christmas holiday to schedule appointments? Or do I completely sit this cycle out and pray that we miraculously conceive au’ natural? I just don’t know. The least likely decision is to try to schedule monitoring appointments around Christmas, that just doesn’t sound very festive.
• 2nd Opinion. R and I have decided that this will be my last cycle before getting a 2nd opinion. Our biggest issue with my current doc is that he seems content to treat us like every other couple based on statistics vs. digging deeper to find out what our specific issues are and trying to fix or at least treat those specific needs. I think this is pretty typical of western medicine, unfortunately, at least in regards to infertility. I have also had way too many frustrating experiences with his nurses. I think it is safe to say that I know way more about infertility then most of his nurses. Also, it seems pretty simple, but doesn’t it make sense to read the most recent case notes before speaking with a patient? Just a thought. There is only one RE in the state I live in and he practices in a city about 4 hours away from me. But, I recently found out that this RE travels to a city about 90 miles from me to see patients. So, I scheduled a consult with him in January. Yay! I am really excited to get a fresh perspective. His clinic will begin offering IVF in January, which is the first clinic in my state to do this. Very cool, but I am a little nervous that he will be pushing IVF. I will soon find out. I am kind of dreading calling my current clinic to request that they fax my records to the new clinic. Awkward.
• Fun times with the hubby. R and I have a fun-packed December. We went to a concert on Sunday night that was fantastic and stayed that night in a hotel instead of driving the 90 miles home late at night. We are going skiing this weekend and staying overnight at the lodge. For Christmas, we rented a cabin fairly close by. We will spend Christmas at the cabin with R’s Dad and our doggies. It’s been really nice to just enjoy my husband’s company. On Monday night, we were visiting after work. I had to leave to go to yoga, and my husband said, “Do you have to go? It’s been really nice just talking with you.” How sweet is that? I love those moments of just talking, enjoying each other’s company. I have a good man. I feel so blessed that my husband is my best friend.
I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet puppies in the snow.
• September’s Cycle: I had one large mature follicle (22 mm, I think) on my right ovary on my first monitoring ultra sound on Day 11. So, we triggered that day. I have never had mature follicles that early, so apparently my body responds faster to Fe.mara then it did to Clo.mid. It was so unexpected that I didn’t even bring my HCG injection with me to the appointment, so I had to run home and get back to the doctor’s office before they closed to have the nurse give me the shot. I have not graduated to giving myself (or having my husband give me) injections, and I am not looking forward to the day I have to do it myself. I took 200 mg of Prom.etrium twice a day beginning a couple days after triggering. This cycle ended with a BFN.
• The first weekend in October, we accepted an offer on our house. We had been trying to sell our house for over a year on our own and for a couple months with a realtor. Oh yeah, and the closing date was in less than 4 weeks AND, my husband and I were gone for 2 of the three weekends before we had to be moved out of our house. Crazy! One of the weekends was spent at a Military Marriage Enrichment weekend retreat. It was a nice little getaway for R and I. We talked some about fertility treatments. I found out that my husband really doesn’t like it when I “obsess” about getting pregnant. He sees tracking my BBT as obsessing, and I see it as gaining more information/clues about what my body is and isn’t doing. He also thinks that I am obsessing when I become emotional about infertility. For probably 4 months after my mis-carriage, I could hardly have a conversation about TTC w/out tearing up, and I think this is what he is referring too. I can understand his perspective. He wants his wife back, the one who didn’t break down bawling when she received a baby shower announcement. I have definitely been doing a lot better in this aspect, but there is just no way to go back to not feeling the sting of sadness and pain when we are faced with the inevitable pregnancy announcements, baby showers and births of so many of our close friends and family. So, back to the month of October, it was spent packing, figuring out where we would live in a few weeks, and getting through the inspection and appraisal process. Thankfully my parents came and spent a week with us and helped us get packed and moved out of our house. Selling our house was definitely bitter sweet. It was our first house together and we have wonderful memories from our first home. We also had the most amazing neighbors. Seriously, they were the greatest! But, we are moving on new exciting adventure. We will eventually be building a house on some property we bought a few years ago that is close to a lake.
• October’s Cycle: On my day 3 ultra sound, I had a 2+ cm cyst on my left ovary. I talked to my doc and he said that he doesn’t think it will interfere with the cycle. He said he could take an estrogen level to see if it is active, but it was Day 3 on a Friday afternoon, so we wouldn’t get the estrogen level back in time to start meds for this cycle. I specifically asked him, “So this cyst won’t dominate and stop other follicles from maturing?” and he said it shouldn’t. My gut instinct was to sit out this cycle, because of the cyst and moving, but that voice in my head said, what if this is the month? Needless to say, it was NOT the month. They did another ultra sound on Day 9 and the cyst was still there and had grown a little, and none of the other follicles were anywhere close to maturing. I thought for sure, the cycle would be called off. I asked for the doctor to look at my ultra sound before the nurses gave me the FSH injection. No reason to go wasting $250 worth of meds. The doctor said to go ahead. So, I had another ultra sound on Day 12 and shocker……there were no mature follicles and the cyst was a little bigger. The doctor said to go ahead with the HCG injection, because there could be a mature follicle on my left ovary. Really? What would make him think that????? So, October cycle = $365 worth of meds wasted.
• Beginning in November, I began working part-time (in addition to my full time job) as the worship/music coordinator at my church. Our music pastor accepted a position at church in another state and left the end of October. I played and sang in the worship band and would fill in when our music pastor was gone, so the church asked me to fill in as the coordinator until a full time Music Pastor was hired. The previous music pastor and his family were also renting a house owned by my church that is right next to the church. It was exactly what we were looking for, 3 bedroom, full basement for storage, fenced yard for the dogs and pretty affordable. So, we were able to move into this house and the part-time income from the church is basically paying the rent. It was pretty amazing the way it all worked out, definitely a blessing for my family. Our goal in renting is to finish paying off all of our debt and save to begin building a house on our property. Because of the added part-time income, we will have ALL of our debt paid off by April, maybe by March, and then should have enough saved to begin building by this time next year! I am so excited to be debt free. We went through a Financial Peace University class a year ago and have been working to pay off all of our debt since then. All we have left are 2 student loans.
• November Cycle: Well, the timing was such that my Day 11 monitoring appt and potentially my HCG injection would fall right on Thanksgiving weekend. So, we decided to only take 5 mg Femara on Days 3-7 and forgo the monitoring ultra sounds and expensive injections. It was kind of hard to not know what was going on with my ovaries/follicles, but it was nice not to have all those doctor appointments. I used OPK’s to see when my LH surged. I also got a nasty cold the same weekend that I was ovulating…..fun times. I didn’t take any cold medicine or even excess Vitamin C, because I read in Making Babies that both of those things can dry up cervical mucus. So, I was extra miserable with my cold, but I was hoping it would all be worth it in two weeks when we got a BFP. When I started taking the pro.metrium, I started getting bad headaches the very next day. I had a headache for about 5 days straight, and this was after I had recovered from my cold. Headaches are listed as a possible side effect, but I have never experienced this in previous months. Of course, I thought maybe I was getting headaches because I am pregnant and my body is already producing lots of progesterone (ha! Right, that would be a first) and the added pro-metrium was giving me headaches. Guess what….this was not the case. I got a BFN on Sunday the 12th.
• I started reading Making Babies after reading Courtney’s review on her blog. I am still not finished with the book, but will probably write a blog about this book once I am finished. I have started to implement some of the things from the book.
• December Cycle: It is looking like today will be Day 1, I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday, but it has disappeared. If today is Day 1, then my Day 11 monitoring u/s will fall right on Christmas weekend. So, I have a bit of a dilemma. Do I just take Fe.mara again? It obviously wasn’t successful last month, but could this be the month? Do I try to work around the Christmas holiday to schedule appointments? Or do I completely sit this cycle out and pray that we miraculously conceive au’ natural? I just don’t know. The least likely decision is to try to schedule monitoring appointments around Christmas, that just doesn’t sound very festive.
• 2nd Opinion. R and I have decided that this will be my last cycle before getting a 2nd opinion. Our biggest issue with my current doc is that he seems content to treat us like every other couple based on statistics vs. digging deeper to find out what our specific issues are and trying to fix or at least treat those specific needs. I think this is pretty typical of western medicine, unfortunately, at least in regards to infertility. I have also had way too many frustrating experiences with his nurses. I think it is safe to say that I know way more about infertility then most of his nurses. Also, it seems pretty simple, but doesn’t it make sense to read the most recent case notes before speaking with a patient? Just a thought. There is only one RE in the state I live in and he practices in a city about 4 hours away from me. But, I recently found out that this RE travels to a city about 90 miles from me to see patients. So, I scheduled a consult with him in January. Yay! I am really excited to get a fresh perspective. His clinic will begin offering IVF in January, which is the first clinic in my state to do this. Very cool, but I am a little nervous that he will be pushing IVF. I will soon find out. I am kind of dreading calling my current clinic to request that they fax my records to the new clinic. Awkward.
• Fun times with the hubby. R and I have a fun-packed December. We went to a concert on Sunday night that was fantastic and stayed that night in a hotel instead of driving the 90 miles home late at night. We are going skiing this weekend and staying overnight at the lodge. For Christmas, we rented a cabin fairly close by. We will spend Christmas at the cabin with R’s Dad and our doggies. It’s been really nice to just enjoy my husband’s company. On Monday night, we were visiting after work. I had to leave to go to yoga, and my husband said, “Do you have to go? It’s been really nice just talking with you.” How sweet is that? I love those moments of just talking, enjoying each other’s company. I have a good man. I feel so blessed that my husband is my best friend.
I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet puppies in the snow.
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