The title of my post is sort of comical, since nothing seems to ever go as planned. Maybe it should be re-named: The Plan as I Know It today.
In my last post, I wrote about the fact that my husband feels strongly that he does not want to do IUI again, but doesn't have any problems with using fertility meds. So we decided that we would do a medicated cycle, basically the same as an IUI cycle, but without the Dr. assisted insemination.
During my previous IUI cycle, I used clomid on days 3-7, a folicle stimulating injection on day 8 and then HCG injection when the follicles were mature. But, I have read that clomid can reduce cervical mucous, which could cause problems if we aren't doing IUI. So, I scheduled an appt. with my Dr. to see if he can prescribe a different medication, possibly femara. The only problem is the soonest I can get into see my Dr. is Sept. 20th. I was hoping to see him in time to start meds on my next cycle. Day 1 would be Sept. 15th if I have a 28 day cycle. I had a 32 day cycle last month and a 28 day cycle the month before. So, I am praying for an extra long cycle this month.
I had been having acupuncture and taking an herbal supplement during the past few cycles. But, I think I am going to pass on the acupuncture this month. It's not that I don't think it is helpful, I just am ready for a break this month. I think I will continue the herbal supplement though.
Last night I read this in Psalm 77:
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways , O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."
Psalm 77:11-14.
Lately I have been so consumed with my desire to be a mom, and my heart break in losing my babies, that I forget that God is so much bigger than all of this. What god is so great as our God? He performs miracles and displays power among the peoples! Amen.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
30
Yep, I turned 30 last week. It was a bitter sweet Birthday. I had a wonderful birthday week. My husband and I took a week long vacation, visiting family, and doing some traveling on our own. But, I have to admit that I was not really looking forward to turning 30, because I hate the idea of being 30 and childless. I never Ever thought I would be here.
The timing of my cycle was such that I could have a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. Even though my period wasn't due for another 2-3 days, I thought it was possible that I could still have a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I should test on my birthday, because I thought a negative result could ruin my day. But, I knew I would be thinking about it all day, so I might as well test and be done with it. So, I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I really hoped that I would be pregnant. How amazing would that be to find out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday?! (A littel side story: My husband and I had actually joked about this in the previous weeks. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a baby. He said he already had something in mind. I said, Did you give me a baby!? He said no, but maybe God did.) I was determined not to let this put a damper on our day. So, I started getting ready for the day and low and behold I start my period. My period decides to start 3 days early on my 30th birthday. It felt like a slap in the face! (On a side note, my luteal phase was only 10 days, which is abnormally short for me.) I was still doing pretty well, not shedding any tears, trying to stay positive.
At lunch, R and I somehow started talking about fertility treatment plans. In my mind, I thought we had agreed that after trying naturally for a few months (after my last mis-carriage), we would go back to IUI. R told me that he does not want to do IUI again. He does't have a problem with using fertility meds, but he really doesn't like the idea of a Dr. doing the insemination. I tried explaining that it still requires the miracle of sperm and egg meeting and developing into an embryo. But, apparently he feels very strongly about this. This was news to me, and I couldn't hold back the tears. This was my back up plan all along. It has kept me hopeful all summer, knowing that if we don't conceive naturally, we can try IUI again. I still don't agree with his objections to IUI, but I know that I need to respect his concerns and come to some sort of compromise.
As our conversation continued, R said, Babe, you need to let this go (meaning it is out of our control, so it doesn't help to obsess over it). I can't let it go when we have come so close. I also explained to him that I am really struggling with turning 30. Before you turn 30, everyone tells you you are young, you have all the time in the world. At 30 people start telling you, you aren't getting any younger, if you want kids, you better get started. (Literally, we were told this by my husband's friend's dad this week) By 35, the statistics start looking scary. R says, what has changed since yesterday, you haven't suddenly aged over night. I told him that turning 30 just reminds me that my time is limited.
After lunch, we took a walk on the beach. The beach was packed with families playing. I saw parents and grandparents cheering and laughing as their adorable little one played in the surf, and it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away and then saw a young couple who looked completely in love and care free. Ahhhh, more tears! I am in such a strange place. I am desperately longing to be a mother, but also missing the early days in my marriage when life was easy. When we have gone through all that we have gone through, it is impossible to go back to those care free days, and honestly I don't really want that. I didn't know that I could love a person as much as I do my husband. We know each other's hopes, dreams and fears. We have cried with each other, laughed with each other, had arguments and asked for forgiveness. We have loved and supported each other through hard times, and I am thankful for that.
The timing of my cycle was such that I could have a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. Even though my period wasn't due for another 2-3 days, I thought it was possible that I could still have a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I should test on my birthday, because I thought a negative result could ruin my day. But, I knew I would be thinking about it all day, so I might as well test and be done with it. So, I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I really hoped that I would be pregnant. How amazing would that be to find out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday?! (A littel side story: My husband and I had actually joked about this in the previous weeks. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a baby. He said he already had something in mind. I said, Did you give me a baby!? He said no, but maybe God did.) I was determined not to let this put a damper on our day. So, I started getting ready for the day and low and behold I start my period. My period decides to start 3 days early on my 30th birthday. It felt like a slap in the face! (On a side note, my luteal phase was only 10 days, which is abnormally short for me.) I was still doing pretty well, not shedding any tears, trying to stay positive.
At lunch, R and I somehow started talking about fertility treatment plans. In my mind, I thought we had agreed that after trying naturally for a few months (after my last mis-carriage), we would go back to IUI. R told me that he does not want to do IUI again. He does't have a problem with using fertility meds, but he really doesn't like the idea of a Dr. doing the insemination. I tried explaining that it still requires the miracle of sperm and egg meeting and developing into an embryo. But, apparently he feels very strongly about this. This was news to me, and I couldn't hold back the tears. This was my back up plan all along. It has kept me hopeful all summer, knowing that if we don't conceive naturally, we can try IUI again. I still don't agree with his objections to IUI, but I know that I need to respect his concerns and come to some sort of compromise.
As our conversation continued, R said, Babe, you need to let this go (meaning it is out of our control, so it doesn't help to obsess over it). I can't let it go when we have come so close. I also explained to him that I am really struggling with turning 30. Before you turn 30, everyone tells you you are young, you have all the time in the world. At 30 people start telling you, you aren't getting any younger, if you want kids, you better get started. (Literally, we were told this by my husband's friend's dad this week) By 35, the statistics start looking scary. R says, what has changed since yesterday, you haven't suddenly aged over night. I told him that turning 30 just reminds me that my time is limited.
After lunch, we took a walk on the beach. The beach was packed with families playing. I saw parents and grandparents cheering and laughing as their adorable little one played in the surf, and it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away and then saw a young couple who looked completely in love and care free. Ahhhh, more tears! I am in such a strange place. I am desperately longing to be a mother, but also missing the early days in my marriage when life was easy. When we have gone through all that we have gone through, it is impossible to go back to those care free days, and honestly I don't really want that. I didn't know that I could love a person as much as I do my husband. We know each other's hopes, dreams and fears. We have cried with each other, laughed with each other, had arguments and asked for forgiveness. We have loved and supported each other through hard times, and I am thankful for that.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A Hard Week
I have had some tough days this week. I haven't cried in awhile, you know REALLY cried, with full-on puffy eyes and snotty nose. I get tears in my eyes from time to time when I start letting my thoughts drift back to my pregnancy and mis-carriage, but I don't usually let myself go there, to the place of deep sadness.
I have two people very close to me who are pregnant right now. I know countless pregnant women, but these two are especially close to my heart. One of these friends found out she was pregnant (for the first time) the week after I found out I was pregnant. We went through the first two weeks of our pregnancies together. She has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy, and I.....didn't. She began posting facebook updates/ultra sound pictures at about 7 weeks pregnant. She is very sweet and sensitive to my feelings, but every update from her is a reminder of where I would have been in my pregnancy. On my way home from work last week, she sent me a text to ask for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. Uuuuugh, it felt like a punch in the gut. I immediately felt that same deep sadness and loss and hopelessness. I started having those self-pity thoughts....Will this ever get any better? I'm broken...Nothing can make what has happened right. But, I tried to stop my negative thoughts, and change my attitude before I got home. Once I got home, I was trying to hold it together. My husband said something negative about what I had planned for dinner, and that's all it took. I burst into tears. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting on the couch looking at me like I am crazy. I explained to him what brought tears to my eyes. I think he understood, but sometimes he doesn't quite know how to respond to my tears. And unfortunately, he has had to deal with my tears a lot lately. I ended up going to the bedroom and I cried, I mean REALLY cried.
While writing this, I just now realized that I didn't once cry out to my Heavenly Father. I tried to hold it together myself. It didn't occur to me to talk to God about my pain. This is something I have been struggling with since my mis-carriage. I am struggling with trusting God completely. I feel a distance between myself and God, and I know it is because I continue to hold back. I am afraid to have hope again, only to have my heartbroken.
My other friend who is pregnant, is a very close friend. She told me she was 14 weeks pregnant with her first baby (after trying for one month, but that's beside the point) the week after my mis-carriage. I am so excited for this girl. She is such a sweetheart, and I can't wait to see her become a mom. Last Sunday, I was grabbing my bible on my way to church and some ultra sound pictures fell out of my bible. I had completely forgotten that I had put the pictures in there....yeah, that's how long it's been since I have flipped through the pages of my Bible. It didn't bother me at the time. While in church, we were singing worship songs, I kept tearing up every time I would look at my friend's adorable pregnant belly. I couldn't stop looking at her tummy, but the tears were about to spill over, so I looked away, only to have my eyes find their way back to her tummy again. With the tears come sadness. And I just kept thinking, I hate feeling like this. I hate that a beautiful glowing pregnant woman makes me sad. This doesn't happen often, but for some reason it happened too many times this week.
I have two people very close to me who are pregnant right now. I know countless pregnant women, but these two are especially close to my heart. One of these friends found out she was pregnant (for the first time) the week after I found out I was pregnant. We went through the first two weeks of our pregnancies together. She has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy, and I.....didn't. She began posting facebook updates/ultra sound pictures at about 7 weeks pregnant. She is very sweet and sensitive to my feelings, but every update from her is a reminder of where I would have been in my pregnancy. On my way home from work last week, she sent me a text to ask for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. Uuuuugh, it felt like a punch in the gut. I immediately felt that same deep sadness and loss and hopelessness. I started having those self-pity thoughts....Will this ever get any better? I'm broken...Nothing can make what has happened right. But, I tried to stop my negative thoughts, and change my attitude before I got home. Once I got home, I was trying to hold it together. My husband said something negative about what I had planned for dinner, and that's all it took. I burst into tears. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting on the couch looking at me like I am crazy. I explained to him what brought tears to my eyes. I think he understood, but sometimes he doesn't quite know how to respond to my tears. And unfortunately, he has had to deal with my tears a lot lately. I ended up going to the bedroom and I cried, I mean REALLY cried.
While writing this, I just now realized that I didn't once cry out to my Heavenly Father. I tried to hold it together myself. It didn't occur to me to talk to God about my pain. This is something I have been struggling with since my mis-carriage. I am struggling with trusting God completely. I feel a distance between myself and God, and I know it is because I continue to hold back. I am afraid to have hope again, only to have my heartbroken.
My other friend who is pregnant, is a very close friend. She told me she was 14 weeks pregnant with her first baby (after trying for one month, but that's beside the point) the week after my mis-carriage. I am so excited for this girl. She is such a sweetheart, and I can't wait to see her become a mom. Last Sunday, I was grabbing my bible on my way to church and some ultra sound pictures fell out of my bible. I had completely forgotten that I had put the pictures in there....yeah, that's how long it's been since I have flipped through the pages of my Bible. It didn't bother me at the time. While in church, we were singing worship songs, I kept tearing up every time I would look at my friend's adorable pregnant belly. I couldn't stop looking at her tummy, but the tears were about to spill over, so I looked away, only to have my eyes find their way back to her tummy again. With the tears come sadness. And I just kept thinking, I hate feeling like this. I hate that a beautiful glowing pregnant woman makes me sad. This doesn't happen often, but for some reason it happened too many times this week.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The road less traveled
I thought I would start with a bit of history to explain how I came to be at this place in my life.
My husband (whom I will refer to as R) and I were married four years ago in July 2006. Six months later, I stopped taking birth control. I guess I should mention that 12 years earlier I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 14. I had been on birth control pills for most of the next 12 years. I always assumed I would have trouble conceiving, so R and I decided we should get started sooner rather than later, given my history. We weren’t really trying at first, but I was pleased that I was having regular cycles (28 days to the hour practically), and didn’t seem to be having any symptoms of PCOS. Six months after stopping birth control, I was 2 days late (which was a first for me), and I thought that I could be pregnant. I was really upset when AF (Aunt Flo, or as my husband calls it, the visitor) started a couple days late, and at this point R and I began thinking that we really did want to start TTC for real.
Fast forward to April 2008, a few people told me about Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Up until this point, I had no idea that my body was giving me so many clues every month, showing me exactly when I was most fertile. I also saw my OBGYN for my yearly appointment, and told her we had started TTC. She gave the standard answer, you are young and healthy, give it another 6 months. She did do some blood work and suggested a semen analysis test for my husband. All the tests came back completely normal. So, we kept trying and each month AF kept showing up.
Finally, in November, I got a referral to the doctor in the practice that specializes in infertility. (I live in a rural state that doesn’t have ANY RE’s in the entire state!) He gave me the standard statement…”You are young and healthy, time is on your side.” He scheduled an HSG and told me he expected that it would turn out fine, but it is standard procedure to start with this test. I had the HSG and the nurse called me a couple days later and says that my left fallopian tube is blocked with a hydrosalpinx, and the doctor wants to see me in person to discuss options. I was totally naive and thought, well this explains why we haven’t conceived, I’m sure they can just unblock the tube.
It took a month, after several canceled/rescheduled appointments by my doctor’s office, before I got to meet with my doctor. He tells me that I need to have my left fallopian tube removed, because the hydrosalpinx, if not removed, causes a 50% increased chance of miscarriage, plus the tube is useless while it’s blocked. He goes on to tell me that the right tube took quite a bit of pressure for the fluid to pass through, so it is possible that the right tube may be damaged as well, which would leave IVF as our only option. I was in shock. It felt like a huge loss. We had just begun this infertility journey, and I was not ready to jump into IVF. **As a side not, it was at this point that I really started researching infertility. Everything the doctor told me, and every symptom I had, I began reading everything I could.**
I had laparoscopic surgery in 02/2009. My left fallopian tube was removed, but the right tube looked healthy and was left intact. I was so happy to still have a chance to conceive on our own! The doctor also found some endometriosis that he was able to remove, which explained my painful cramping during my period. At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that my right tube again took quite a bit of pressure for liquid to pass through it during the surgery, so he doesn’t know if it is fully functioning. He said that we should continue to try naturally for at least 6 months. Over the next several months, I had some cycles where I was 5-6 days late. AF can be such a tease! In those 5-6 days, I would start planning the next 9 months, my due date, how I would tell my husband…..and then AF would show up. I began thinking that my right tube was now blocked. So, I made an appointment with my doctor in December 2009. He said we could try IUI or IVF and gave me all the statistics for these options. I requested that I have another HSG before I make the decision of what treatment to pursue. My HSG showed clear spillage of the dye through the right fallopian tube. It was a beautiful site! But, now we had no explanation for why we hadn’t conceived. We were officially diagnosed with “Unexplained Infertility.” The doctor gave us the go ahead with our first IUI cycle.
We were ready to start IUI w/ clomid, follistim and HCG trigger as soon as my cycle started in January. That was our plan, but God had a different plan.
The weekend before my cycle was due, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law, asking R and I to consider adopting the soon-to-be born baby of her childhood friend. Her friend had been staying with her for the past few months, and Child Protection Services was also involved ( it was very apparent that she would not be able to care for this baby once it was born). So her options were to choose an adoptive family herself, or have CPS remove her baby and choose a family for her. R and I had talked about adopting “some day”, but we were not anywhere near starting the adoption process. When I brought this up to R, he was completely against it. His reaction was so strong that it seemed very clear that this wasn’t for us. 24 hours later, my husband had a complete change of heart and felt very strongly that this is God’s plan for us. Oh, and did I mention, this baby was due in a little over a month. So, we jump head over heals into the adoption world. Completely clueless about what we were getting ourselves into. We scheduled our home study, contacted lawyers and adoption agencies. For the next month, every single day of our lives was a roller coaster. Each day I started my day crying out to the Lord for this unborn baby, birth mother and strength and guidance for R and I. The only way I got through those days was by trusting God, but it was still the most stressful and emotionally exhausting time of my life. In February, the birth mother changed her mind, and less than 48 hours after her baby boy was born, it was placed with a foster family. When we finally had closure, I was sad, but also relieved just to have the roller coaster come to an end. R and I came so close to becoming parents. We knew without a doubt, we really REALLY wanted to be parents. We were and still are soooo ready! There is so much more I want to say about all that we went through and learned with the adoption, but I will save that for another post.
After the adoption door had officially been closed, we went back to the original plan of IUI. We started our 1st IUI March 3rd. The cycle went really well, I think I had 2 nice mature follicles. The only hiccup happened the day of the IUI. My normal doctor was gone that week, so I would be working with a doctor I had never met before. His office called me 15 minutes before we were supposed to arrive with the specimen and they said that the doctor is in surgery and running late, so hold off on getting the specimen (that is the nicest way I can think of putting it). I was just about to leave work, so I called my husband and he said the deed had already been done. Yikes! I panicked and called the office back and they said to just keep it warm until they call us. Hmmmm….ok?! Ryan was already on his way, so we met in the parking lot, and sat together keeping his little guys warm. I felt like a mother hen, keeping my little eggs(so to speak) warm. Hahaha. Thankfully the office called within 15 minutes and said the doctor was on his way. R’s sperm survived and were in great shape. The rest was quick and painless, but so not how I ever imagined conceiving a child.
Two weeks later I took a HPT and after 3 minutes I saw a very very light 2nd line. My husband thought I was crazy, but after BFN’s for years, I was calling this a positive. I called the doctor’s office and they ordered a beta & progesterone level. My beta was 14 & prog 6. They said it is possible that this will be a viable pregnancy, but most likely it is an early mis-carriage. Two days later, my beta level had only increased to 18. AF arrived within 3 days. I found out I was pregnant on March 16th and mis-carried on the 21st. I was disappointed, but excited to know that we could actually conceive. The doctor told us to take the next month off, then start round 2.
That’s exactly what we did. I didn’t think about cervical mucous, ovulation, basal body temps or scheduling babymaking. I did start acupuncture and an herbal supplement this month, in preparation for my next IUI. By April 21st I hadn’t started my period. I had a dollar store HPT at home, so I decided to just check. After a few minutes I had a very faint 2nd line. I thought great, another repeat of last month. I decided to pick up a namebrand HPT (the same ones I used in the last cycle) on my way to work. I drank a bunch of water and held it for 2 hours and tested again. The preg. line immediately showed up, and it was much darker than last cycle. I couldn’t believe it! How did this happen? This is like the Holy Grail for Infertiles. To get pregnant on a break month…….it seemed too good to be true.
My beta was 81 and 217 two days later. Amazing! But my prog. was only 8. Three days later after another beta level of 730, my doctor prescribed a progesterone supplement. It felt like…. perfection! Before this, I had come to the point of accepting that we probably wouldn’t conceive naturally like so many other couples do. I was ok with that, but to be able to conceive the old fashioned way, making love to my husband, was an amazing blessing. It all felt so right. With my progesterone level being low, my doctor offered to do an ultra sound at almost 6 weeks. We saw the sac, but it was too early to see a heartbeat. One week later with my husband by my side, we saw and heard the most amazing thing. Our little baby had a strong heartbeat at 124 bpm. My doctor told me that the chances of mis-carriage after seeing a heartrate above 120 bpm is less than 5%. Yes! We could finally breath a huge sigh of relief.
Only 2 days later, I started spotting very lightly. When it continued the next day, I called the doctor’s office. They said I shouldn’t be concerned, but to call back if I start cramping or the flow increases. The next day, May 12th, at 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, the spotting became darker and heavier. I called the office and they got me in for an ultra sound that afternoon. Again with my husband by my side, we waited in anticipation of seeing that beautiful heartbeat. But…. no heartbeat could be found. I immediately began crying. The doctor talked for several minutes while I tried to contain my sobs. He repeated the same things from the previous cycle…”You didn’t do anything to cause this. This just happens sometimes, most likely a genetic abnormality”. None of it was comforting. Only 5 days before, we were bursting with joy. How did this happen? I was completely devastated. It felt like the culmination of 3 years of work, and a lifetime of dreams had just slipped away. I was just….sad and exhausted. I went through a few weeks of crying and obsessing. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy and how it all came to an end. It was on constant repeat in my mind. I still have sad days and don’t think I will ever really get over it.
R and I decided to take the summer off from any medical intervention. We were both tired and desperately needed a break. So, that’s where we are at. I am in my 2nd cycle since the mis-carriage. I am continuing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and we are hoping for another miracle conception naturally or w/ medical help. If we do not conceive naturally, we will most likely start IUI treatments again in the fall.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few months now. I have to admit, I have been a blog lurker for a good 3-4 months. I have gained so much comfort and encouragement just from reading other women’s blogs and am excited to join the community. I also want to have a place to document all that R and I go through and see God’s provision through it all.
My husband (whom I will refer to as R) and I were married four years ago in July 2006. Six months later, I stopped taking birth control. I guess I should mention that 12 years earlier I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 14. I had been on birth control pills for most of the next 12 years. I always assumed I would have trouble conceiving, so R and I decided we should get started sooner rather than later, given my history. We weren’t really trying at first, but I was pleased that I was having regular cycles (28 days to the hour practically), and didn’t seem to be having any symptoms of PCOS. Six months after stopping birth control, I was 2 days late (which was a first for me), and I thought that I could be pregnant. I was really upset when AF (Aunt Flo, or as my husband calls it, the visitor) started a couple days late, and at this point R and I began thinking that we really did want to start TTC for real.
Fast forward to April 2008, a few people told me about Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Up until this point, I had no idea that my body was giving me so many clues every month, showing me exactly when I was most fertile. I also saw my OBGYN for my yearly appointment, and told her we had started TTC. She gave the standard answer, you are young and healthy, give it another 6 months. She did do some blood work and suggested a semen analysis test for my husband. All the tests came back completely normal. So, we kept trying and each month AF kept showing up.
Finally, in November, I got a referral to the doctor in the practice that specializes in infertility. (I live in a rural state that doesn’t have ANY RE’s in the entire state!) He gave me the standard statement…”You are young and healthy, time is on your side.” He scheduled an HSG and told me he expected that it would turn out fine, but it is standard procedure to start with this test. I had the HSG and the nurse called me a couple days later and says that my left fallopian tube is blocked with a hydrosalpinx, and the doctor wants to see me in person to discuss options. I was totally naive and thought, well this explains why we haven’t conceived, I’m sure they can just unblock the tube.
It took a month, after several canceled/rescheduled appointments by my doctor’s office, before I got to meet with my doctor. He tells me that I need to have my left fallopian tube removed, because the hydrosalpinx, if not removed, causes a 50% increased chance of miscarriage, plus the tube is useless while it’s blocked. He goes on to tell me that the right tube took quite a bit of pressure for the fluid to pass through, so it is possible that the right tube may be damaged as well, which would leave IVF as our only option. I was in shock. It felt like a huge loss. We had just begun this infertility journey, and I was not ready to jump into IVF. **As a side not, it was at this point that I really started researching infertility. Everything the doctor told me, and every symptom I had, I began reading everything I could.**
I had laparoscopic surgery in 02/2009. My left fallopian tube was removed, but the right tube looked healthy and was left intact. I was so happy to still have a chance to conceive on our own! The doctor also found some endometriosis that he was able to remove, which explained my painful cramping during my period. At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that my right tube again took quite a bit of pressure for liquid to pass through it during the surgery, so he doesn’t know if it is fully functioning. He said that we should continue to try naturally for at least 6 months. Over the next several months, I had some cycles where I was 5-6 days late. AF can be such a tease! In those 5-6 days, I would start planning the next 9 months, my due date, how I would tell my husband…..and then AF would show up. I began thinking that my right tube was now blocked. So, I made an appointment with my doctor in December 2009. He said we could try IUI or IVF and gave me all the statistics for these options. I requested that I have another HSG before I make the decision of what treatment to pursue. My HSG showed clear spillage of the dye through the right fallopian tube. It was a beautiful site! But, now we had no explanation for why we hadn’t conceived. We were officially diagnosed with “Unexplained Infertility.” The doctor gave us the go ahead with our first IUI cycle.
We were ready to start IUI w/ clomid, follistim and HCG trigger as soon as my cycle started in January. That was our plan, but God had a different plan.
The weekend before my cycle was due, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law, asking R and I to consider adopting the soon-to-be born baby of her childhood friend. Her friend had been staying with her for the past few months, and Child Protection Services was also involved ( it was very apparent that she would not be able to care for this baby once it was born). So her options were to choose an adoptive family herself, or have CPS remove her baby and choose a family for her. R and I had talked about adopting “some day”, but we were not anywhere near starting the adoption process. When I brought this up to R, he was completely against it. His reaction was so strong that it seemed very clear that this wasn’t for us. 24 hours later, my husband had a complete change of heart and felt very strongly that this is God’s plan for us. Oh, and did I mention, this baby was due in a little over a month. So, we jump head over heals into the adoption world. Completely clueless about what we were getting ourselves into. We scheduled our home study, contacted lawyers and adoption agencies. For the next month, every single day of our lives was a roller coaster. Each day I started my day crying out to the Lord for this unborn baby, birth mother and strength and guidance for R and I. The only way I got through those days was by trusting God, but it was still the most stressful and emotionally exhausting time of my life. In February, the birth mother changed her mind, and less than 48 hours after her baby boy was born, it was placed with a foster family. When we finally had closure, I was sad, but also relieved just to have the roller coaster come to an end. R and I came so close to becoming parents. We knew without a doubt, we really REALLY wanted to be parents. We were and still are soooo ready! There is so much more I want to say about all that we went through and learned with the adoption, but I will save that for another post.
After the adoption door had officially been closed, we went back to the original plan of IUI. We started our 1st IUI March 3rd. The cycle went really well, I think I had 2 nice mature follicles. The only hiccup happened the day of the IUI. My normal doctor was gone that week, so I would be working with a doctor I had never met before. His office called me 15 minutes before we were supposed to arrive with the specimen and they said that the doctor is in surgery and running late, so hold off on getting the specimen (that is the nicest way I can think of putting it). I was just about to leave work, so I called my husband and he said the deed had already been done. Yikes! I panicked and called the office back and they said to just keep it warm until they call us. Hmmmm….ok?! Ryan was already on his way, so we met in the parking lot, and sat together keeping his little guys warm. I felt like a mother hen, keeping my little eggs(so to speak) warm. Hahaha. Thankfully the office called within 15 minutes and said the doctor was on his way. R’s sperm survived and were in great shape. The rest was quick and painless, but so not how I ever imagined conceiving a child.
Two weeks later I took a HPT and after 3 minutes I saw a very very light 2nd line. My husband thought I was crazy, but after BFN’s for years, I was calling this a positive. I called the doctor’s office and they ordered a beta & progesterone level. My beta was 14 & prog 6. They said it is possible that this will be a viable pregnancy, but most likely it is an early mis-carriage. Two days later, my beta level had only increased to 18. AF arrived within 3 days. I found out I was pregnant on March 16th and mis-carried on the 21st. I was disappointed, but excited to know that we could actually conceive. The doctor told us to take the next month off, then start round 2.
That’s exactly what we did. I didn’t think about cervical mucous, ovulation, basal body temps or scheduling babymaking. I did start acupuncture and an herbal supplement this month, in preparation for my next IUI. By April 21st I hadn’t started my period. I had a dollar store HPT at home, so I decided to just check. After a few minutes I had a very faint 2nd line. I thought great, another repeat of last month. I decided to pick up a namebrand HPT (the same ones I used in the last cycle) on my way to work. I drank a bunch of water and held it for 2 hours and tested again. The preg. line immediately showed up, and it was much darker than last cycle. I couldn’t believe it! How did this happen? This is like the Holy Grail for Infertiles. To get pregnant on a break month…….it seemed too good to be true.
My beta was 81 and 217 two days later. Amazing! But my prog. was only 8. Three days later after another beta level of 730, my doctor prescribed a progesterone supplement. It felt like…. perfection! Before this, I had come to the point of accepting that we probably wouldn’t conceive naturally like so many other couples do. I was ok with that, but to be able to conceive the old fashioned way, making love to my husband, was an amazing blessing. It all felt so right. With my progesterone level being low, my doctor offered to do an ultra sound at almost 6 weeks. We saw the sac, but it was too early to see a heartbeat. One week later with my husband by my side, we saw and heard the most amazing thing. Our little baby had a strong heartbeat at 124 bpm. My doctor told me that the chances of mis-carriage after seeing a heartrate above 120 bpm is less than 5%. Yes! We could finally breath a huge sigh of relief.
Only 2 days later, I started spotting very lightly. When it continued the next day, I called the doctor’s office. They said I shouldn’t be concerned, but to call back if I start cramping or the flow increases. The next day, May 12th, at 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, the spotting became darker and heavier. I called the office and they got me in for an ultra sound that afternoon. Again with my husband by my side, we waited in anticipation of seeing that beautiful heartbeat. But…. no heartbeat could be found. I immediately began crying. The doctor talked for several minutes while I tried to contain my sobs. He repeated the same things from the previous cycle…”You didn’t do anything to cause this. This just happens sometimes, most likely a genetic abnormality”. None of it was comforting. Only 5 days before, we were bursting with joy. How did this happen? I was completely devastated. It felt like the culmination of 3 years of work, and a lifetime of dreams had just slipped away. I was just….sad and exhausted. I went through a few weeks of crying and obsessing. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy and how it all came to an end. It was on constant repeat in my mind. I still have sad days and don’t think I will ever really get over it.
R and I decided to take the summer off from any medical intervention. We were both tired and desperately needed a break. So, that’s where we are at. I am in my 2nd cycle since the mis-carriage. I am continuing acupuncture and herbal supplements, and we are hoping for another miracle conception naturally or w/ medical help. If we do not conceive naturally, we will most likely start IUI treatments again in the fall.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few months now. I have to admit, I have been a blog lurker for a good 3-4 months. I have gained so much comfort and encouragement just from reading other women’s blogs and am excited to join the community. I also want to have a place to document all that R and I go through and see God’s provision through it all.
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