Pride

I don’t know if I have mentioned before that my husband is in the National Guard. He has been serving in the Guard for 11 years, and he is currently working towards becoming a Military Chaplain. Part of his training to become a Chaplain requires getting his Masters in Divinity and going through a military training program. He is currently completing the first half of the military training program, which means he gives up 6 weeks of his summer and has to be away from family and friends, oh yeah, and his pregnant wife. He also gets to re-hash a mini basic training (for the benefit of his co-trainees who don’t have prior military experience) in 90+ degree weather in the South, i.e. extreme humidity. We are not from the South, so while we do get 90 degree weather at times, it is always dry. Humidity adds a whole level of misery to high temperatures.

Along with working full time, he is also a full time masters student. When he isn’t working, he can often be found reading a heavy theology book, listening to lectures or writing a paper. He is definitely the more outgoing social person in our relationship. But, he often has to turn down invites to hang out with friends or visit family in order to get homework done. It’s not easy, but he usually makes school one of his top priorities. It is a tough balancing act. There are times that I just want my husband all to myself, but it just isn’t possible. I know that he makes a big effort to try to keep a healthy balance and make me feel valued and appreciated.

I say all this, not to brag or gloat, but to say I am so proud of the sacrifices he makes to follow his calling, and to give glory to God for giving him this calling. If you told R 5 years ago that he would become a Chaplain; he would have gotten a good laugh. He was not even remotely heading in that direction. And yet, when he felt God leading him down this foreign path, he followed whole heartedly. It has been outside of his comfort zone in so many ways, but he doesn’t seem to let that deter him. I have so much respect and admiration for the way he jumped into this and hasn’t looked back. Yes, it has required sacrifices on both of our parts. But knowing that my husband is growing spiritually and leading others along that path is amazing, and beyond my wildest dreams. I love supporting him on this journey and getting to see his heart for service members and their families.

25 Weeks and Weird Dreams

The first dream was on Monday night. I had one short dream that there were big spiders in my bed, and I was trying to kill them all. I think I forced myself awake from that dream. When I went back to sleep I had a stressful nursing dream. I dreamt that I just came home from the hospital and I was trying to nurse my baby. As soon as she would latch on and I felt like we were figuring it out, I would get interrupted. People kept stopping by the house and interrupting me each time I would get settled again and start nursing. At one point, my nieces and nephews were crawling on my while I was trying to nurse, and I just kept trying to find a private place to nurse again. Weird! I have no idea what brought on that dream.


Then, last night I had such a bizarre dream about giving birth, but this one wasn’t stressful. I dreamt that I had just given birth to my baby. She was bundled up in a blanket and laying on a table, while I was laying in bed trying to remember giving birth to her. All I could remember were these little snippets or flashes of the birth. From what I could remember, it wasn’t painful at all. And right after the birth, I didn’t feel pain or soreness or anything. My mom came in the hospital room and went to pick up my baby, and I realized I hadn’t even held her myself yet, so I asked her to bring her to me so I could hold her. Then I watched a video of the labor to see what had happened, since I couldn’t really remember. In the video, my husband and I were in the hospital room with a couple friends of ours (no idea who they are in real life) and we were drinking. I was totally drunk in the video (which is not like me IRL, even when I’m not pregnant) and I had these faux sleeve tattoos on and apparently I was having a great time and not at all concerned with the effects of my drinking on my baby. The drunk part explains the pain free birth and not being able to remember it. So, strange!

Another weird part about these dreams is that even though my baby is in the dreams, I’m not really paying much attention to her. I don’t remember really looking at her and seeing what she looks like in either of the dreams, which is kind of a bummer. After the nursing dream, I vaguely remembered seeing my baby’s face and thinking she was pretty, but I don’t remember any of the detail of her face.

So here is my 25 week belly picture, actually taken at 25 weeks 1 day. I didn’t think I would be taking any bare belly pictures. Not because it bothers me when other people do it, but because I didn’t think it would be very cute. I have to say, I think my belly is pretty cute right now. So, I figured I better take advantage of this stage in the pregnancy, before it’s not so cute and has stretch marks.

The only thing different about week 25 is I have been feeling a bit nauseous/queasy again. It definitely isn’t as bad as during the first trimester, but it is affecting my appetite a bit (not that that is a bad thing). I have also had a few nights where I wake up around 2 and then sleep kind of restlessly after that. It’s not that I am all that uncomfortable; I just can’t seem to fall back into a deep sleep. The last two nights have been much better though. I do wake up a couple times, but quickly fall back asleep.

I almost don’t want to write this, for fear that I will jinx myself, but I still don’t get up during the night to go to the bathroom. It is wonderful! But, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone this far into their pregnancy that doesn’t have to get up at least once, usually multiple times at night to use the bathroom. My mom says I must be dehydrated and need to drink more water. But, I don’t feel dehydrated, and I often drink a glass of water right before I go to bed. I don’t worry too much about it, mostly I am super thankful to be getting such good sleep still.

24 Weeks

Here I am posting a 24 week update about one week late, but at least the picture is from 24 weeks 2 days.

I am still feeling pretty good, but my belly is starting to feel big and tight, especially at the end of the day. Is it really possible for it to double or triple in size before I have this baby?!

Heartburn set in during week 24. I actually woke up at 2 am with raging heartburn. I couldn't understand why I would all of a sudden have heartburn in the middle of the night. It continued off and on the next day, but it has been really minor and short-lived ever since then. I can't figure out anything out of the ordinary that I ate to cause the heartburn, but I figure it is just par for the course at this point in my pregnancy.

I have noticed that I have had less of an appetite over the past couple of weeks, especially in the afternoon and evenings. I'm not sure if it because I have had a cold or just because the baby is crowding my stomach.

Baby girl continues to be a bouncing bean, especially early in the morning. I love feeling her move in the mornings and during the day at work.

I went to some yard sales on Saturday and hit the jackpot at one. I bought probably 15 pieces of clothing from newborn to 9 months. I found some really cute onesies and outfits that were in great condition. I am excited to be starting my baby girl's wardrobe!

Here are a couple pictures from 24 weeks:

I drove to see my family for Memorial Day weekend. I was so looking forward to seeing my newest baby niece who was just born a month ago. Tuesday before Memorial Day weekend I started getting slight cold symptoms. But it didn't feel like any cold I had ever had, so I thought maybe I am getting seasonal allergies (even though I have never had them before). By Thursday, I knew I officially had a cold. But, it still wasn't bad and I wasn't all that congested. On Friday I got to see my oldest nephew compete in the state track meet. Because I live so far from my family, it is a total treat to get to see my nieces and nephews in their sporting events. It was great!

I also got to see my closest friend from high school. We don't see each other very often and are really bad at keeping in touch, but when we talk or see each other it is as if no time has passed. She is very pregnant with her 4th child; she had less than two weeks left until her c-section. She doesn't know if it's a boy or girl!

Here we are in all of our pregnant glory together:

Isn't she cute?!

I saw my sweet baby niece on Saturday, but becasuse I had a cold, I wore a medical mask and still didn't feel comfortable holding her for very long. She has the sweetest little face. I could just look at her all day while she makes her faces.

Sunday the cold got worse. My mom and dad took care of me and made sure I took lots of vitamins. I also had my first experience with a neti pot. It was.....interesting. I felt bad exposing my grandparents and niece to a cold. I just tried to keep my distance and I wiped down all the door handles and surfaces with lisol before they came over for dinner. As far as I know, no one got sick this week, so that's good.

I can't wait to see my niece again when I am healthy and can really snuggle with her.

Monday, I drove the 9 hours home, which somehow turned into more like 11 hours. I had to stop and do a little shopping while I had the chance. :-) 

The cold has finally started to improve over the past few days. I feel much better and the congestion seems to decrease a little each day.

I have under 4 weeks until I see my husband again. I miss him a lot, but thankfully I have had great friends and family who have been checking in on me and inviting me to do fun things to help pass the time.

What A Week!

Last week, my husband and I drove 2400 miles across the country. R had to be in South Carolina for a military school, so we decided to make a mini-vacation out of the drive out there. We started planning this trip before I knew I was pregnant. I wasn't sure if it would work when I found out I was pregnant, but as the pregnancy progressed without complications and after talking to my doctor, we decided to go ahead with it. We took our time and stopped to stretch a lot, and overall, I felt great during the whole trip. 

I love road trips with my husband. It takes away all the distractions and we get to really connect. We also saw beautiful parts of the country, did some fun things and ate some good food. Our first major destination was Chicago.We spent two days there, starting things off with a Chicago White Sox game. The WS are R's favorite baseball team, and they won. It was also bring your dog to the park night. All of the dogs and their owners paraded around the park before the game. It was so cute! We stayed in a hotel downtown and walked around downtown the next day, even though it was rainy and windy.
I had my first Chicago deep dish pizza, and it was Ah-mazing!

I had several different strangers comment on or congratulate me on my pregnancy for the first time in Chicago. It was kinda strange, but it felt good. It's amazing how complete strangers will smile or talk to a pregnant woman. It somehow softens people. I don't quite understand it, but it's really interesting.

Our next stop was Kentucky to visit R's aunt and uncle. They live right in the heart of hourse racing country. It was beautiful, and I so enjoyed our time there. Finally, we made it to South Carolina. Before I had to fly home, we had time to explore the Fort where R will be spending the next 6 weeks. It wasn't until I was packing my bags that it hit me, I won't see my husband for 6 weeks. I had been so pre-occupied with planning the trip that I didn't have time to think about the 6 weeks that would follow. I know many military families go much longer separated from their loved one, and I know 6 weeks is a relatively short time, especially in the scope of a life time. But, I did break down and cry when I thought about being away from my best friend, my biggest supporter and my other half. And, when I got home to an empty house (well besides my animals who were very happy to see me) I cried off and on all afternoon.  But, I haven't cried since then. I know these 6 weeks will go by fast for both of us. R is so busy, he won't have time to think about the clock ticking, and I have several things to do. I am planning to drive to visit my family and new niece this weekend, and my mom is coming out to visit me in a few weeks. I also want to start getting the house ready for baby. I started feeling like I have a cold yesterday, but it isn't a full blown cold and not the typical cold symptoms. I am wondering if I am getting seasonal allergies. I have never gotten them before, but I have heard that it's possible to start getting allergies while pregnant. I really hope it doesn't turn into a full blown cold, because if it does, I really shouldn't being visiting my niece. I guess time will tell.

One of my goals is to do weekly updates with pictures, mainly so my husband can see my belly growing while he is away.

I had my 23 week appointment on Monday and everything looked good. My doctor commented on how much my belly/uterus has grown, but he said it is right where it should be. Little girl was moving all over the place while we tried to listen to her heartbeat. I don't really know if our baby moves more than the average baby. I just know that she moves A Lot, and I love every second of it. I also got the bottle of orange syrup for the blood glucose test at my next appointment. How crazy is that?! It is one of those milestones that I wasn't sure I would ever see.

I don't have a 23 week picture, but here are a couple pictures from 21 weeks. I will definately have a new picture within the week.

We have a very fiesty girl growing in my tummy

I had my 20 week ultra sound on Monday afternoon, and we found out that we are having a girl!  She definately made the ultra sound tech work to get the "money shot", but we finally got it. She was such a wiggler. She didn't stop moving for the entire 30 minute ultra sound. As soon as the u/s tech would try to get a shot of her heart or kidneys, she would twist and turn. That was probably the best part of the 30 minutes, just seeing her move all over the place. R and I were both surprised that she isn't a he, but we are so excited. I have to say, knowing that we will have a little girl makes it so much more real. I find myself getting teary eyed when I hear father daughter or mother daughter stories, because I can start to imagine R and I raising a little girl.

The first question I get from people when I tell them that we found out we are having a girl is, do you have a name picked out?  And the answer is, no, not even close. We thought it was a boy until yesterday and we didn't even have boy names narrowed down. We haven't talked really seriously about names yet. For me, I think this was partly because I was afraid to think too far into the future. I just wanted to take one day at a time, which meant not committing to a name or buying baby items. It is really starting to sink in and starting to feel like we will really be holding a baby in 5 months. I think we better start getting serious about baby names. We both think that we will have a few names in mind but we will wait until we see our baby to know for sure what her name should be. I am really into name meanings too. The meaning of a name is just as important to me as how it sounds. We have a long road trip coming up, so I am planning to bring the baby name book and start digging in to baby girl names.

48 Hours of Labor!

My sister-in-law is amazing! She went into labor on Sunday morning at 1 am. Her contractions started at 20 minutes apart and by Sunday afternoon they were 6-10 minutes apart. She called her doctor and he said to go ahead and go to the hospital and get checked out. Since they have a 40 minute drive to the hospital they didn't want to wait too long. When they got to the hospital, they found out that she was only dilated 2 cm, so they told them to come back in 2 hours. They walked around and got some dinner, and then returned to the hospital. She hadn't progressed at all, so they were sent home at 11 pm Sunday night. She continued to labor all night at home. They went back to the hospital Monday mid-morning, and she had dilated to 4 cm, so she was admitted. This poor girl labored all day without pain meds. By that evening her contractions were right on top of each without a break in between, and she was still only dilated 3-4 cm. She really wanted to have a natural birth, but finally decided to get an epidural when things weren't progressing. Thankfully, the epidural helped her to rest and relax, and she began dilating. She had her baby girl at 2 am on Tuesday morning, after 48 hours of labor! I am so proud of her and overjoyed for her and my brother! My sweet little niece is healthy and everyone is doing well. They are very proud parents, and my goodness, what a story my SIL has to tell!

My sister-in-law is in labor!

My younger brother and his wife are also pregnant. I mentioned thier pregnancy announcement back in September. My SIL is due on May 8th and had a wonderful pregnancy. I just heard this afternoon that they were on their way to the hospital after SIL had been in labor since earling this morning. I am so excited for them!

I drove the 9 hours to visit them and go to SIL's baby shower a few weeks ago. It was so fun to see each other pregnant and get to share that special day with her. She got so many adorable girl outfits, so fun! SIL's mom made the most amazing cupcakes. They were almost too beautiful to eat.....almost. :-)  My mom made SIL a baby quilt that is adorable and goes with the colors in her nursery.

My mom and my aunt took a picture 30+ years ago when my aunt was days away from giving birth to my cousin and my mom was holding my oldest brother in her arms. They are standing back to back, my aunt pointing at her belly and my mom pointing at my brother. I have always loved this picture, so I knew I wanted to get a back to back picture of my SIL and myself. Hopefully we will get another one when I am almost due, with SIL holding her baby girl.

Here are some pictures from the shower. I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time and SIL was 36 weeks. The maternity dress I was wearing makes me look VERY pregnant. I don't look that pregnant in other outfits.

Can't wait to get word from my family when my niece is born!

Almost 20 weeks

I am so frustrated with myself for waiting so long to update, because there are so many things that I don’t want to forget about this pregnancy and the things that have been happening in our life lately. So, I am going to attempt to work much harder at updating regularly.


I will be 20 weeks pregnant in 3 days. I stopped feeling nauseous somewhere between 15 and 16 weeks. I have been feeling pretty great lately. I have a bit of reflux type stuff going on, but no heart burn and no nausea. I have pretty much gone back to eating almost everything that I was eating prior to pregnancy. I don’t think there any foods that I am avoiding, like I did in the 1st trimester, which is great! I still have that weird metallic taste in my mouth most of the time, but I think I have just learned to live with it. I am not as tired as I was, but I wouldn’t say that I am bursting with energy. My belly seems to have grown exponentially in the past 4 weeks. It is definitely getting big, and I think it is starting to look more like a pregnant belly and less like belly pudge.

I continue to be amazed every day that I am carrying life inside of me. It’s not that I thought from the very beginning of the pregnancy that I would lose this baby, but I haven’t really allowed myself to think too far into the future. I have just taken one day and one week at a time. I haven’t had any reason to think there would be any problems with this pregnancy, I think it just goes back to years of infertility and then three losses in a row (with the adoption, chemical pregnancy and then miscarriage all within 4 months). While I felt very blessed in most aspects of my life and certainly didn’t consider myself to be depressed, I just learned to expect disappointment, and it’s really hard to change that mindset. Right now, I feel ridiculously, lavishly blessed. I feel like I am living a dream that I don’t want to wake up from. I really cannot remember the last time that I was so happy.

Can we talk about baby movement? It is seriously the coolest thing! I felt absolute, without a doubt movement at 16 weeks, and it has gotten progressively stronger and more consistent since then. I definitely feel it distinctly every day, several times a day. R felt it from the outside a week ago when I was 18 weeks pregnant. We had just laid down in bed, and I was pressing on my belly just below my belly button to feel the uterus. Apparently I woke the little guy/girl up, because it felt like he/she started doing flips. I quickly put R’s hand on my belly and he felt another flip. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. He felt a few more kicks and jabs after that. I don’t think he has felt any movement since then, but he tries. He often puts his hand on my belly while laying in bed, but baby hasn’t been cooperating. I have felt movement from the outside a few times myself, a lot of times right after I wake up in the morning. 

I had some cramping on Thursday of this week. I wasn’t super worried about it, but it was the first time I had felt any menstrual like cramping. It was slightly uncomfortable to painful at times. I decided to call the doctor’s office, just to be safe. I assumed they would tell me not to worry about it, but if it gets worse to let them know. I was surprised when they told me to come into the office because they can’t evaluate the seriousness of cramping over the phone. I felt kinda silly for seeing the doctor after only 30 minutes of cramping. They checked for a bladder infection (it was negative), and the doctor checked my cervix. Everything looked great, my cervix was long and thick, and I got to hear the baby’s heart beating on the doppler. My doctor said that cramping is normal, but I have to figure out what is a normal level for me. He said to call if it gets worse, of course. The cramping promptly stopped when I got to the doctor’s office and I haven’t felt it since.

Our 20 week ultra sound is scheduled for Monday…..yay!! I am so excited! We had an ultra sound at the pregnancy resource center at 17 weeks. We planned to find out the sex of the baby then, but the baby had other plans. Once we got to the point of checking the sex, the baby had its legs crossed and tucked underneath itself, so we couldn’t see anything. The baby did finally move, but the U/S tech still couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl. She definitely didn’t see boy parts, but she didn’t see the girl parts either. We have thought since the beginning that this baby is a boy, but this made us start to wonder if maybe there is a baby girl growing inside. There is a big difference in the quality of the ultra sound machines at the pregnancy resource center and the doctor’s office, so we should have a much clearer picture on Monday’s ultra sound. I am also looking forward to seeing all of the baby’s body parts and organs, and seeing how the baby has grown. I still have so much more I want to blog about, but I will have to save it for next time.

Popped!

Apparently my belly popped at about 12 weeks......

Just kidding! :-)  This is a prosthetic belly that I found in the dressing room of a maternity shop.

But, my belly has started to bulge a little. It has actually been bulging since about 5 weeks. I have been really bloated since then, but in the past few weeks it has been a little less bloat and more bump.  I had the opportunity to do some shopping in a larger city a week ago and found some great deals on maternity clothes to get me through the next couple months. I found a couple 2nd hand/consignment stores with really nice clothes, plus some great clearance at department stores.  Maternity clothes are SO comfortable. I still have a couple pairs of regular pants that I can button, but they are pretty uncomfortable.

Along with shopping, my husband and I also got to go to the Rock and Worship Road Show.  It was awesome!  I love The Afters, I only wish they got to play more than 5 or so songs.  Mercy Me closed the show and it was so worshipful.  It was amazing to worship with thousands of other people.  I think it gave us a teeny tiny glimpse of what heaven will be like.

I will leave you with a picture of the real belly bump at 12 weeks:

Faith of a Child

My little 4 year old niece is so sweet.  She is quite a character, full of spunk and imagination.  She is such a ham, always wanting to perform and saying the silliest things. The first time I saw her after my mis-carriage, she said, "Aunt A, how come your baby died?" (while her mother was cringing in the background).  I said, I don't know sweetheart.  Ever since then, she tells me that she prays for our baby. I always thought she meant our baby that we lost.  My sister-in-law was really excited to tell her that I was expecting again to see what her reaction would be.  My sister-in-law told her that God put a new baby in my tummy, and my niece said matter of factly, "I, know."  My sister-in-law said, "how do you know?"  My niece said, "BECAUSE, I pray every night that God will give Aunt A a new baby."  It was that simple.  She had asked God for this, why wouldn't she expect any different.  I LOVE this!  It's so simple, asking God for the desire of our hearts and believing that He will provide.  I know, with pain and loss, it's not quite so simple.  Our hurt and disappointment clouds our view at times.  But the truth is that God loves us and wants to bless us. I love this sweet reminder from my niece.

Truly Amazing

I had an ultra sound last Thursday at 12 weeks.  It was .....amazing. That word doesn't even sum it up, but I can't think of a word that describes the feeling I had sitting there with my husband watching our 12 week old baby bouncing around, kicking and hiding behind it's hands.  The baby looked perfectly healthy and was measuring big (no surprise there, my husband is 6'5 and I am 5'10). The measurements moved the due date up from 9/20 to 9/16.  I don't quite understand how that works.  We know exactly when conception occurred, so the due date can't really change, right?  This is something I'm going to ask my doctor when I see him next week.  Baby's heart rate was 164.  It was a little wiggle worm to start with. The tech was trying to get measurements of the baby's neck and the baby would turn and push it's head back. It kept pushing out it's hands and covering it's face.  It was so cute.
Here is a profile picture of the baby:

And here is a sweet little picture of the baby's hand:

I have these two pictures hanging on my refrigerator, and every time I see them, I feel like I have to pinch myself.  I never thought I would have my baby's ultra sound pictures displayed on my fridge. It really feels like a dream sometimes.

I just remembered, I have the great privelage of seeing my baby again tomorrow.  Our local pregnancy resource center started offering free ultra sounds about a year ago, and the nurse has to do a certain number of ultra sounds each month to remain certified.  At this time, they don't do enough ultra sounds with client's so they are looking for pregnant women to volunteer to have ultra sounds. It is a win-win, I get to support my local pregnancy resource center and I get to see my baby again. Yay! I don't know yet if they will need me to do more than one ultra sound, but I am willing to volunteer as much as they need me. :-)

All of our family has known about our pregnancy for awhile, but we just started telling our friends in the past couple weeks. It has been wonderful to share our joyful news with friends that have known about our struggle with infertility and our losses.  Our joy multiplies when our friends get to share in our joy. Their responses have been so sweet and heartfelt, because they understand the pain that we have been through.

This weekend, someone responded in a way that got under my skin.  While this person was completely well meaning, it still irritated me.  Like most people who have experienced infertility, there are a couple phrases that bother me. One is, "You just need to relax and it will happen", and the other is "You know what happens when you adopt, you get pregnant".  This person overheard someone ask me how I was feeling, and she asked if I had been sick, and I said no, I was pregnant.  She said that is wonderful news, how exciting! And the next thing out of her mouth was, "See, you tried to adopt and look what happened."  So, the adoption that didn't happen a year ago is all it took?  I'm sure it had nothing to do with the multiple fertility drugs I have taken and the countless doctor visits over the past year. Of course I didn't say any of those things, and I hope that doesn't come across as bitter. More than anything it makes me laugh that people actually say these things.

All is well

It has been waaaaay too long since I have updated.  I think about it several times a week, but I just haven't been able to get motivated to write something.  I am very happy to report that all is well with me and my little one. 
I had my first ultra sound and check-up on Feb. 10th.  The baby measured right on track at 8 weeks 2 days and had a strong heartrate of 174.  We even saw it's body wiggle a little bit.  You could see little arm buds and legs and a big head.  It looked like a little gummy bear.  My doctor was very excited and went on and on about how wonderful this was.  He even wrote "Yay!" on my chart. :-)  It was really sweet.
Here is a picture of the printout from my u/s.

It seemed like weeks 7-9 were the hardest in terms of feeling nauseous and tired.  I have had a few days in my 10th week where I felt a lot better.  But, today, the queasy feeling seems to be back.  Even on my most difficult days, it still has been manageable. I know I haven't had it nearly as bad as a lot of pregnant women. 

I went back for another doctor visit last Thursday, Feb 24th.  I just went for my own peace of mind. My doctor said we could try to use to doppler to listen to the baby's heart, but at 10 weeks 2 days, it is likely that we won't be able to hear it. He said he would do an ultra sound if we couldn't find the HR.  But, he was able to find the heartbeat after 15 seconds or so.  We lost it once and he found it again.  It was very reassuring.  So, now we have our next ultra sound at 12 weeks.  I'm really excited to see how much the baby will change in four weeks.

So this is what it feels like to be a "normal pregnant person"

I had my first appt. with the nurse at my OB's office almost 2 weeks ago, just to do some labs and a medical history. Apparently the nurse didn't read my chart before the appt. When she asked me about previous pregnancies, she asked what year were my previous pregnancies and miscarriages. I explained that these were all in the past 12 months. She was sympathetic and apologized. I told her I was disappointed that I couldn't get an appt. for my first u/s until I was 8 weeks. She said that this is standard, so they can see a hb for sure. Now, I know better. I know that a hb can be seen at about 6 weeks, but I am guessing they are used to dealing with women who may not know exactly when they ovulate. Last time I was pregnant, my doctor called me personally and offered to do an u/s at 6 weeks. I didn't realize at the time that this was abnormal. I thought he was just being nice, but it occurred to me that my doctor didn't think my pregnancy was viable due to my low prog. level and that is why I was getting this special treatment. Not the case this time. They are treating me like the average pregnant woman, but I don't feel like the average "normal" pregnant woman. The nurse told me she understood my anxiety, but it's best if I can just hold out until 8 weeks. She told me if I am really struggling to call and they will get me in early.

I've made it over half of the wait time to my u/s and I'm doing ok with it. The only explanation is that God has given me peace, because I thought I would be a nervous wreck. I still worry, but it doesn't consume me or overwhelm me.
 "And the peace of God, which surpasses comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

I started having more symptoms over the past week, which helps to calm my nerves a little. Basically right at 6 weeks, I started feeling queasy. It's not terrible, I never feel like I actually have to vomit. It's just a consistent queasy/hungry feeling. I feel a little better after I eat something, but within an hour, the queasy feeling returns. So, I have been snacking a lot. :-)  I've also had some trouble sleeping. I fall asleep just fine, but have consistently been waking up at around 2:30 and then it takes me about an hour and a half to fall asleep again.

I have had a few baby/pregnancy dreams. I had one dream that I delivered a really big baby in the car on the way to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately took the baby to take care of him and I was so worried that they were taking him away from me. I told R to go with him.
I can't remember the other baby dream right now, darn it. I should have written it down sooner. **I remembered the dream the next morning...in the dream my good friend put on a baby shower for me. It was huge, there were probably 50 people there.  I didn't know probably half of them, and I felt a little weird about that.  Also, I was only 8 weeks pregnant during the shower which was also really embarrassing. 
I have also had a couple dreams where I had a lot of blood when I went to the bathroom. Thankfully those dreams didn't weigh on me when I woke up, and I haven't had any spotting so far. I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow and will be relieved to get through this week, because I mis-carried at 7 weeks 3 days last time.

I'm so thankful to be pregnant right now, it still seems so unbelievable.

Cautiously Excited

I really didn't think I would be writing these words, but I am pregnant. I tested first on Friday, and yes, I did wake up at 4:00 am.  It was negative. I always feel like such a fool when I take a HPT and it is negative. I knew it could still be too early to get a BFP, but most likely I wasn't pregnant.  I waited two days and tested again on Sunday (12DPO). I used 2 tests, one e.quate brand and one FRER. There was a faint + on the e.quate and an even fainter 2nd line on the FRER. I tested again on Monday and the e.quate was lighter and the FRER was darker, kinda weird. So, I called my doctor's office and asked to get an HCG and progesterone level. My HCG on 13DPO was 66 and my progesterone was 28.  I was thrilled about my progesterone level! I have had my progesterone checked 4 times in the past year (twice while pregnant) and I have never had a number above 9. Because of this, I have been taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation for the past 4 months. I am taking the high prog. count as a really good sign. My beta level on Wednesday, 15DPO was 150. So, I talked to the nurse after the 2nd beta and she said that everything looks good so I just need to schedule my first ultra sound and doctor appt. I requested that the appointment be schedule at around 6 weeks, because of my history of miscarriages. She said that would be ok and forwarded me to the scheduling desk. The soonest they had availalbe was Feb. 10th, 4 weeks away. I am really disappointed that I can't get in for 4 weeks. It is going to be a LONG month. I thought the 2ww was bad, ha! that was nothing compared to this. They scheduled labs for next week. I don't even know what that entails, since I never made it that far in my previous pregnancies. I will probably ask them again if they can squeeze me in to see the doctor earlier when I am there next week.
I feel so blessed, but also just kind of numb. It definately doesn't feel real. I don't really have any symptoms yet, well besides being a little extra tired. I fell asleep on the couch twice this week.
I am relieved that I don't have to go to my first appointment with the RE next week. While I wanted to get a new perspective, I was not looking forward to going through more testing, which would feel like we were delaying having a baby even more.
These next few weeks are going to be really challenging for me. I just need to take one day at a time and trust God to give me peace. I really do want to appreciate each moment of this pregnancy and not wast time and energy worrying about all that is out of my control.

Words of Encouragement

My mom called me this weekend and shared a Bible verse that she studied this week and made her think of R and I. The verse is Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

The Bible study said that the word longs is the same word for wait. While we are waiting, God is waiting along side us. He is with us in the waiting and in our longing. My mom said that she and my dad are also waiting and longing along side us. 

Cue tears. Wow, that really touched my heart.

I also got a card from my sister-in-law today. She included the Bible verse, Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."
She wrote to tell me that she knows this is about the time our baby was due and she is mourning the loss with us once again.
She went on to say, "I only hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that your little one's life, no matter how short, was precious to all of us. Your babe has not been forgotten nor have your and R's heartache."

I can't tell you how much it means to have loved ones who walk through these hard days with us, and to know a God that loves us enough to send these words of encouragement when we need them.

POAS on the brain

So, I am about 9dpo, and I can't stop thinking about POAS.  I started dreaming about it 2 or 3 weeks ago.  I had the most amazing dream. It consisted of POAS and seeing a bright 2nd line. I remember feeling completely amazed and shocked and SO happy. That's all it was, but I woke up feeling SO happy. It was a great feeling, but then I remembered that I am only on like day 4 of my cycle and I have had nothing but BFNs for the past 7 months. I thought to myself, wow, this is going to be a looong cycle if I am already thinking about POAS. I had another dream that I got a BFP within the past week. It didn't feel nearly as real, but still made me wonder what I will see when the POAS time finally comes.

R and I are both feeling really good about this cycle. Apparently I'm not the only one counting down the days until I can test. R asked me yesterday, "Did you pee on a stick this morning?" Yeah, that was at 8dpo. He said, "Aren't you supposed to be able to test 4 days before your missed period?"  He sounds like a preg test commercial. :-)  I explained that the chances of me getting a positive at 8dpo even if I was pregant is pretty unlikely, so I would probably keep testing anyway, so I might as well just wait.  But, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I am thinking I might test tomorrow. I usually don't test until 13-14 dpo.  Now that I wrote that, I will probably wake up at like 3 am having to pee. Lovely.