So this is what it feels like to be a "normal pregnant person"

I had my first appt. with the nurse at my OB's office almost 2 weeks ago, just to do some labs and a medical history. Apparently the nurse didn't read my chart before the appt. When she asked me about previous pregnancies, she asked what year were my previous pregnancies and miscarriages. I explained that these were all in the past 12 months. She was sympathetic and apologized. I told her I was disappointed that I couldn't get an appt. for my first u/s until I was 8 weeks. She said that this is standard, so they can see a hb for sure. Now, I know better. I know that a hb can be seen at about 6 weeks, but I am guessing they are used to dealing with women who may not know exactly when they ovulate. Last time I was pregnant, my doctor called me personally and offered to do an u/s at 6 weeks. I didn't realize at the time that this was abnormal. I thought he was just being nice, but it occurred to me that my doctor didn't think my pregnancy was viable due to my low prog. level and that is why I was getting this special treatment. Not the case this time. They are treating me like the average pregnant woman, but I don't feel like the average "normal" pregnant woman. The nurse told me she understood my anxiety, but it's best if I can just hold out until 8 weeks. She told me if I am really struggling to call and they will get me in early.

I've made it over half of the wait time to my u/s and I'm doing ok with it. The only explanation is that God has given me peace, because I thought I would be a nervous wreck. I still worry, but it doesn't consume me or overwhelm me.
 "And the peace of God, which surpasses comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

I started having more symptoms over the past week, which helps to calm my nerves a little. Basically right at 6 weeks, I started feeling queasy. It's not terrible, I never feel like I actually have to vomit. It's just a consistent queasy/hungry feeling. I feel a little better after I eat something, but within an hour, the queasy feeling returns. So, I have been snacking a lot. :-)  I've also had some trouble sleeping. I fall asleep just fine, but have consistently been waking up at around 2:30 and then it takes me about an hour and a half to fall asleep again.

I have had a few baby/pregnancy dreams. I had one dream that I delivered a really big baby in the car on the way to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately took the baby to take care of him and I was so worried that they were taking him away from me. I told R to go with him.
I can't remember the other baby dream right now, darn it. I should have written it down sooner. **I remembered the dream the next morning...in the dream my good friend put on a baby shower for me. It was huge, there were probably 50 people there.  I didn't know probably half of them, and I felt a little weird about that.  Also, I was only 8 weeks pregnant during the shower which was also really embarrassing. 
I have also had a couple dreams where I had a lot of blood when I went to the bathroom. Thankfully those dreams didn't weigh on me when I woke up, and I haven't had any spotting so far. I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow and will be relieved to get through this week, because I mis-carried at 7 weeks 3 days last time.

I'm so thankful to be pregnant right now, it still seems so unbelievable.

Cautiously Excited

I really didn't think I would be writing these words, but I am pregnant. I tested first on Friday, and yes, I did wake up at 4:00 am.  It was negative. I always feel like such a fool when I take a HPT and it is negative. I knew it could still be too early to get a BFP, but most likely I wasn't pregnant.  I waited two days and tested again on Sunday (12DPO). I used 2 tests, one e.quate brand and one FRER. There was a faint + on the e.quate and an even fainter 2nd line on the FRER. I tested again on Monday and the e.quate was lighter and the FRER was darker, kinda weird. So, I called my doctor's office and asked to get an HCG and progesterone level. My HCG on 13DPO was 66 and my progesterone was 28.  I was thrilled about my progesterone level! I have had my progesterone checked 4 times in the past year (twice while pregnant) and I have never had a number above 9. Because of this, I have been taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation for the past 4 months. I am taking the high prog. count as a really good sign. My beta level on Wednesday, 15DPO was 150. So, I talked to the nurse after the 2nd beta and she said that everything looks good so I just need to schedule my first ultra sound and doctor appt. I requested that the appointment be schedule at around 6 weeks, because of my history of miscarriages. She said that would be ok and forwarded me to the scheduling desk. The soonest they had availalbe was Feb. 10th, 4 weeks away. I am really disappointed that I can't get in for 4 weeks. It is going to be a LONG month. I thought the 2ww was bad, ha! that was nothing compared to this. They scheduled labs for next week. I don't even know what that entails, since I never made it that far in my previous pregnancies. I will probably ask them again if they can squeeze me in to see the doctor earlier when I am there next week.
I feel so blessed, but also just kind of numb. It definately doesn't feel real. I don't really have any symptoms yet, well besides being a little extra tired. I fell asleep on the couch twice this week.
I am relieved that I don't have to go to my first appointment with the RE next week. While I wanted to get a new perspective, I was not looking forward to going through more testing, which would feel like we were delaying having a baby even more.
These next few weeks are going to be really challenging for me. I just need to take one day at a time and trust God to give me peace. I really do want to appreciate each moment of this pregnancy and not wast time and energy worrying about all that is out of my control.

Words of Encouragement

My mom called me this weekend and shared a Bible verse that she studied this week and made her think of R and I. The verse is Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

The Bible study said that the word longs is the same word for wait. While we are waiting, God is waiting along side us. He is with us in the waiting and in our longing. My mom said that she and my dad are also waiting and longing along side us. 

Cue tears. Wow, that really touched my heart.

I also got a card from my sister-in-law today. She included the Bible verse, Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."
She wrote to tell me that she knows this is about the time our baby was due and she is mourning the loss with us once again.
She went on to say, "I only hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that your little one's life, no matter how short, was precious to all of us. Your babe has not been forgotten nor have your and R's heartache."

I can't tell you how much it means to have loved ones who walk through these hard days with us, and to know a God that loves us enough to send these words of encouragement when we need them.

POAS on the brain

So, I am about 9dpo, and I can't stop thinking about POAS.  I started dreaming about it 2 or 3 weeks ago.  I had the most amazing dream. It consisted of POAS and seeing a bright 2nd line. I remember feeling completely amazed and shocked and SO happy. That's all it was, but I woke up feeling SO happy. It was a great feeling, but then I remembered that I am only on like day 4 of my cycle and I have had nothing but BFNs for the past 7 months. I thought to myself, wow, this is going to be a looong cycle if I am already thinking about POAS. I had another dream that I got a BFP within the past week. It didn't feel nearly as real, but still made me wonder what I will see when the POAS time finally comes.

R and I are both feeling really good about this cycle. Apparently I'm not the only one counting down the days until I can test. R asked me yesterday, "Did you pee on a stick this morning?" Yeah, that was at 8dpo. He said, "Aren't you supposed to be able to test 4 days before your missed period?"  He sounds like a preg test commercial. :-)  I explained that the chances of me getting a positive at 8dpo even if I was pregant is pretty unlikely, so I would probably keep testing anyway, so I might as well just wait.  But, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I am thinking I might test tomorrow. I usually don't test until 13-14 dpo.  Now that I wrote that, I will probably wake up at like 3 am having to pee. Lovely.