30

Yep, I turned 30 last week. It was a bitter sweet Birthday. I had a wonderful birthday week. My husband and I took a week long vacation, visiting family, and doing some traveling on our own. But, I have to admit that I was not really looking forward to turning 30, because I hate the idea of being 30 and childless. I never Ever thought I would be here.


The timing of my cycle was such that I could have a positive pregnancy test on my birthday. Even though my period wasn't due for another 2-3 days, I thought it was possible that I could still have a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I should test on my birthday, because I thought a negative result could ruin my day. But, I knew I would be thinking about it all day, so I might as well test and be done with it. So, I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I really hoped that I would be pregnant. How amazing would that be to find out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday?! (A littel side story: My husband and I had actually joked about this in the previous weeks.  When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a baby. He said he already had something in mind.  I said, Did you give me a baby!?  He said no, but maybe God did.) I was determined not to let this put a damper on our day. So, I started getting ready for the day and low and behold I start my period. My period decides to start 3 days early on my 30th birthday. It felt like a slap in the face! (On a side note, my luteal phase was only 10 days, which is abnormally short for me.) I was still doing pretty well, not shedding any tears, trying to stay positive.

At lunch, R and I somehow started talking about fertility treatment plans. In my mind, I thought we had agreed that after trying naturally for a few months (after my last mis-carriage), we would go back to IUI. R told me that he does not want to do IUI again. He does't have a problem with using fertility meds, but he really doesn't like the idea of a Dr. doing the insemination. I tried explaining that it still requires the miracle of sperm and egg meeting and developing into an embryo. But, apparently he feels very strongly about this. This was news to me, and I couldn't hold back the tears. This was my back up plan all along. It has kept me hopeful all summer, knowing that if we don't conceive naturally, we can try IUI again. I still don't agree with his objections to IUI, but I know that I need to respect his concerns and come to some sort of compromise.

As our conversation continued, R said, Babe, you need to let this go (meaning it is out of our control, so it doesn't help to obsess over it). I can't let it go when we have come so close. I also explained to him that I am really struggling with turning 30. Before you turn 30, everyone tells you you are young, you have all the time in the world. At 30 people start telling you, you aren't getting any younger, if you want kids, you better get started. (Literally, we were told this by my husband's friend's dad this week) By 35, the statistics start looking scary. R says, what has changed since yesterday, you haven't suddenly aged over night. I told him that turning 30 just reminds me that my time is limited.

After lunch, we took a walk on the beach. The beach was packed with families playing. I saw parents and grandparents cheering and laughing as their adorable little one played in the surf, and it brought tears to my eyes. I turned away and then saw a young couple who looked completely in love and care free. Ahhhh, more tears! I am in such a strange place. I am desperately longing to be a mother, but also missing the early days in my marriage when life was easy. When we have gone through all that we have gone through, it is impossible to go back to those care free days, and honestly I don't really want that. I didn't know that I could love a person as much as I do my husband. We know each other's hopes, dreams and fears. We have cried with each other, laughed with each other, had arguments and asked for forgiveness. We have loved and supported each other through hard times, and I am thankful for that.