Almost 20 weeks

I am so frustrated with myself for waiting so long to update, because there are so many things that I don’t want to forget about this pregnancy and the things that have been happening in our life lately. So, I am going to attempt to work much harder at updating regularly.


I will be 20 weeks pregnant in 3 days. I stopped feeling nauseous somewhere between 15 and 16 weeks. I have been feeling pretty great lately. I have a bit of reflux type stuff going on, but no heart burn and no nausea. I have pretty much gone back to eating almost everything that I was eating prior to pregnancy. I don’t think there any foods that I am avoiding, like I did in the 1st trimester, which is great! I still have that weird metallic taste in my mouth most of the time, but I think I have just learned to live with it. I am not as tired as I was, but I wouldn’t say that I am bursting with energy. My belly seems to have grown exponentially in the past 4 weeks. It is definitely getting big, and I think it is starting to look more like a pregnant belly and less like belly pudge.

I continue to be amazed every day that I am carrying life inside of me. It’s not that I thought from the very beginning of the pregnancy that I would lose this baby, but I haven’t really allowed myself to think too far into the future. I have just taken one day and one week at a time. I haven’t had any reason to think there would be any problems with this pregnancy, I think it just goes back to years of infertility and then three losses in a row (with the adoption, chemical pregnancy and then miscarriage all within 4 months). While I felt very blessed in most aspects of my life and certainly didn’t consider myself to be depressed, I just learned to expect disappointment, and it’s really hard to change that mindset. Right now, I feel ridiculously, lavishly blessed. I feel like I am living a dream that I don’t want to wake up from. I really cannot remember the last time that I was so happy.

Can we talk about baby movement? It is seriously the coolest thing! I felt absolute, without a doubt movement at 16 weeks, and it has gotten progressively stronger and more consistent since then. I definitely feel it distinctly every day, several times a day. R felt it from the outside a week ago when I was 18 weeks pregnant. We had just laid down in bed, and I was pressing on my belly just below my belly button to feel the uterus. Apparently I woke the little guy/girl up, because it felt like he/she started doing flips. I quickly put R’s hand on my belly and he felt another flip. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. He felt a few more kicks and jabs after that. I don’t think he has felt any movement since then, but he tries. He often puts his hand on my belly while laying in bed, but baby hasn’t been cooperating. I have felt movement from the outside a few times myself, a lot of times right after I wake up in the morning. 

I had some cramping on Thursday of this week. I wasn’t super worried about it, but it was the first time I had felt any menstrual like cramping. It was slightly uncomfortable to painful at times. I decided to call the doctor’s office, just to be safe. I assumed they would tell me not to worry about it, but if it gets worse to let them know. I was surprised when they told me to come into the office because they can’t evaluate the seriousness of cramping over the phone. I felt kinda silly for seeing the doctor after only 30 minutes of cramping. They checked for a bladder infection (it was negative), and the doctor checked my cervix. Everything looked great, my cervix was long and thick, and I got to hear the baby’s heart beating on the doppler. My doctor said that cramping is normal, but I have to figure out what is a normal level for me. He said to call if it gets worse, of course. The cramping promptly stopped when I got to the doctor’s office and I haven’t felt it since.

Our 20 week ultra sound is scheduled for Monday…..yay!! I am so excited! We had an ultra sound at the pregnancy resource center at 17 weeks. We planned to find out the sex of the baby then, but the baby had other plans. Once we got to the point of checking the sex, the baby had its legs crossed and tucked underneath itself, so we couldn’t see anything. The baby did finally move, but the U/S tech still couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl. She definitely didn’t see boy parts, but she didn’t see the girl parts either. We have thought since the beginning that this baby is a boy, but this made us start to wonder if maybe there is a baby girl growing inside. There is a big difference in the quality of the ultra sound machines at the pregnancy resource center and the doctor’s office, so we should have a much clearer picture on Monday’s ultra sound. I am also looking forward to seeing all of the baby’s body parts and organs, and seeing how the baby has grown. I still have so much more I want to blog about, but I will have to save it for next time.

Popped!

Apparently my belly popped at about 12 weeks......

Just kidding! :-)  This is a prosthetic belly that I found in the dressing room of a maternity shop.

But, my belly has started to bulge a little. It has actually been bulging since about 5 weeks. I have been really bloated since then, but in the past few weeks it has been a little less bloat and more bump.  I had the opportunity to do some shopping in a larger city a week ago and found some great deals on maternity clothes to get me through the next couple months. I found a couple 2nd hand/consignment stores with really nice clothes, plus some great clearance at department stores.  Maternity clothes are SO comfortable. I still have a couple pairs of regular pants that I can button, but they are pretty uncomfortable.

Along with shopping, my husband and I also got to go to the Rock and Worship Road Show.  It was awesome!  I love The Afters, I only wish they got to play more than 5 or so songs.  Mercy Me closed the show and it was so worshipful.  It was amazing to worship with thousands of other people.  I think it gave us a teeny tiny glimpse of what heaven will be like.

I will leave you with a picture of the real belly bump at 12 weeks:

Faith of a Child

My little 4 year old niece is so sweet.  She is quite a character, full of spunk and imagination.  She is such a ham, always wanting to perform and saying the silliest things. The first time I saw her after my mis-carriage, she said, "Aunt A, how come your baby died?" (while her mother was cringing in the background).  I said, I don't know sweetheart.  Ever since then, she tells me that she prays for our baby. I always thought she meant our baby that we lost.  My sister-in-law was really excited to tell her that I was expecting again to see what her reaction would be.  My sister-in-law told her that God put a new baby in my tummy, and my niece said matter of factly, "I, know."  My sister-in-law said, "how do you know?"  My niece said, "BECAUSE, I pray every night that God will give Aunt A a new baby."  It was that simple.  She had asked God for this, why wouldn't she expect any different.  I LOVE this!  It's so simple, asking God for the desire of our hearts and believing that He will provide.  I know, with pain and loss, it's not quite so simple.  Our hurt and disappointment clouds our view at times.  But the truth is that God loves us and wants to bless us. I love this sweet reminder from my niece.

Truly Amazing

I had an ultra sound last Thursday at 12 weeks.  It was .....amazing. That word doesn't even sum it up, but I can't think of a word that describes the feeling I had sitting there with my husband watching our 12 week old baby bouncing around, kicking and hiding behind it's hands.  The baby looked perfectly healthy and was measuring big (no surprise there, my husband is 6'5 and I am 5'10). The measurements moved the due date up from 9/20 to 9/16.  I don't quite understand how that works.  We know exactly when conception occurred, so the due date can't really change, right?  This is something I'm going to ask my doctor when I see him next week.  Baby's heart rate was 164.  It was a little wiggle worm to start with. The tech was trying to get measurements of the baby's neck and the baby would turn and push it's head back. It kept pushing out it's hands and covering it's face.  It was so cute.
Here is a profile picture of the baby:

And here is a sweet little picture of the baby's hand:

I have these two pictures hanging on my refrigerator, and every time I see them, I feel like I have to pinch myself.  I never thought I would have my baby's ultra sound pictures displayed on my fridge. It really feels like a dream sometimes.

I just remembered, I have the great privelage of seeing my baby again tomorrow.  Our local pregnancy resource center started offering free ultra sounds about a year ago, and the nurse has to do a certain number of ultra sounds each month to remain certified.  At this time, they don't do enough ultra sounds with client's so they are looking for pregnant women to volunteer to have ultra sounds. It is a win-win, I get to support my local pregnancy resource center and I get to see my baby again. Yay! I don't know yet if they will need me to do more than one ultra sound, but I am willing to volunteer as much as they need me. :-)

All of our family has known about our pregnancy for awhile, but we just started telling our friends in the past couple weeks. It has been wonderful to share our joyful news with friends that have known about our struggle with infertility and our losses.  Our joy multiplies when our friends get to share in our joy. Their responses have been so sweet and heartfelt, because they understand the pain that we have been through.

This weekend, someone responded in a way that got under my skin.  While this person was completely well meaning, it still irritated me.  Like most people who have experienced infertility, there are a couple phrases that bother me. One is, "You just need to relax and it will happen", and the other is "You know what happens when you adopt, you get pregnant".  This person overheard someone ask me how I was feeling, and she asked if I had been sick, and I said no, I was pregnant.  She said that is wonderful news, how exciting! And the next thing out of her mouth was, "See, you tried to adopt and look what happened."  So, the adoption that didn't happen a year ago is all it took?  I'm sure it had nothing to do with the multiple fertility drugs I have taken and the countless doctor visits over the past year. Of course I didn't say any of those things, and I hope that doesn't come across as bitter. More than anything it makes me laugh that people actually say these things.

All is well

It has been waaaaay too long since I have updated.  I think about it several times a week, but I just haven't been able to get motivated to write something.  I am very happy to report that all is well with me and my little one. 
I had my first ultra sound and check-up on Feb. 10th.  The baby measured right on track at 8 weeks 2 days and had a strong heartrate of 174.  We even saw it's body wiggle a little bit.  You could see little arm buds and legs and a big head.  It looked like a little gummy bear.  My doctor was very excited and went on and on about how wonderful this was.  He even wrote "Yay!" on my chart. :-)  It was really sweet.
Here is a picture of the printout from my u/s.

It seemed like weeks 7-9 were the hardest in terms of feeling nauseous and tired.  I have had a few days in my 10th week where I felt a lot better.  But, today, the queasy feeling seems to be back.  Even on my most difficult days, it still has been manageable. I know I haven't had it nearly as bad as a lot of pregnant women. 

I went back for another doctor visit last Thursday, Feb 24th.  I just went for my own peace of mind. My doctor said we could try to use to doppler to listen to the baby's heart, but at 10 weeks 2 days, it is likely that we won't be able to hear it. He said he would do an ultra sound if we couldn't find the HR.  But, he was able to find the heartbeat after 15 seconds or so.  We lost it once and he found it again.  It was very reassuring.  So, now we have our next ultra sound at 12 weeks.  I'm really excited to see how much the baby will change in four weeks.

So this is what it feels like to be a "normal pregnant person"

I had my first appt. with the nurse at my OB's office almost 2 weeks ago, just to do some labs and a medical history. Apparently the nurse didn't read my chart before the appt. When she asked me about previous pregnancies, she asked what year were my previous pregnancies and miscarriages. I explained that these were all in the past 12 months. She was sympathetic and apologized. I told her I was disappointed that I couldn't get an appt. for my first u/s until I was 8 weeks. She said that this is standard, so they can see a hb for sure. Now, I know better. I know that a hb can be seen at about 6 weeks, but I am guessing they are used to dealing with women who may not know exactly when they ovulate. Last time I was pregnant, my doctor called me personally and offered to do an u/s at 6 weeks. I didn't realize at the time that this was abnormal. I thought he was just being nice, but it occurred to me that my doctor didn't think my pregnancy was viable due to my low prog. level and that is why I was getting this special treatment. Not the case this time. They are treating me like the average pregnant woman, but I don't feel like the average "normal" pregnant woman. The nurse told me she understood my anxiety, but it's best if I can just hold out until 8 weeks. She told me if I am really struggling to call and they will get me in early.

I've made it over half of the wait time to my u/s and I'm doing ok with it. The only explanation is that God has given me peace, because I thought I would be a nervous wreck. I still worry, but it doesn't consume me or overwhelm me.
 "And the peace of God, which surpasses comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

I started having more symptoms over the past week, which helps to calm my nerves a little. Basically right at 6 weeks, I started feeling queasy. It's not terrible, I never feel like I actually have to vomit. It's just a consistent queasy/hungry feeling. I feel a little better after I eat something, but within an hour, the queasy feeling returns. So, I have been snacking a lot. :-)  I've also had some trouble sleeping. I fall asleep just fine, but have consistently been waking up at around 2:30 and then it takes me about an hour and a half to fall asleep again.

I have had a few baby/pregnancy dreams. I had one dream that I delivered a really big baby in the car on the way to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately took the baby to take care of him and I was so worried that they were taking him away from me. I told R to go with him.
I can't remember the other baby dream right now, darn it. I should have written it down sooner. **I remembered the dream the next morning...in the dream my good friend put on a baby shower for me. It was huge, there were probably 50 people there.  I didn't know probably half of them, and I felt a little weird about that.  Also, I was only 8 weeks pregnant during the shower which was also really embarrassing. 
I have also had a couple dreams where I had a lot of blood when I went to the bathroom. Thankfully those dreams didn't weigh on me when I woke up, and I haven't had any spotting so far. I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow and will be relieved to get through this week, because I mis-carried at 7 weeks 3 days last time.

I'm so thankful to be pregnant right now, it still seems so unbelievable.

Cautiously Excited

I really didn't think I would be writing these words, but I am pregnant. I tested first on Friday, and yes, I did wake up at 4:00 am.  It was negative. I always feel like such a fool when I take a HPT and it is negative. I knew it could still be too early to get a BFP, but most likely I wasn't pregnant.  I waited two days and tested again on Sunday (12DPO). I used 2 tests, one e.quate brand and one FRER. There was a faint + on the e.quate and an even fainter 2nd line on the FRER. I tested again on Monday and the e.quate was lighter and the FRER was darker, kinda weird. So, I called my doctor's office and asked to get an HCG and progesterone level. My HCG on 13DPO was 66 and my progesterone was 28.  I was thrilled about my progesterone level! I have had my progesterone checked 4 times in the past year (twice while pregnant) and I have never had a number above 9. Because of this, I have been taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation for the past 4 months. I am taking the high prog. count as a really good sign. My beta level on Wednesday, 15DPO was 150. So, I talked to the nurse after the 2nd beta and she said that everything looks good so I just need to schedule my first ultra sound and doctor appt. I requested that the appointment be schedule at around 6 weeks, because of my history of miscarriages. She said that would be ok and forwarded me to the scheduling desk. The soonest they had availalbe was Feb. 10th, 4 weeks away. I am really disappointed that I can't get in for 4 weeks. It is going to be a LONG month. I thought the 2ww was bad, ha! that was nothing compared to this. They scheduled labs for next week. I don't even know what that entails, since I never made it that far in my previous pregnancies. I will probably ask them again if they can squeeze me in to see the doctor earlier when I am there next week.
I feel so blessed, but also just kind of numb. It definately doesn't feel real. I don't really have any symptoms yet, well besides being a little extra tired. I fell asleep on the couch twice this week.
I am relieved that I don't have to go to my first appointment with the RE next week. While I wanted to get a new perspective, I was not looking forward to going through more testing, which would feel like we were delaying having a baby even more.
These next few weeks are going to be really challenging for me. I just need to take one day at a time and trust God to give me peace. I really do want to appreciate each moment of this pregnancy and not wast time and energy worrying about all that is out of my control.