I have had some tough days this week. I haven't cried in awhile, you know REALLY cried, with full-on puffy eyes and snotty nose. I get tears in my eyes from time to time when I start letting my thoughts drift back to my pregnancy and mis-carriage, but I don't usually let myself go there, to the place of deep sadness.
I have two people very close to me who are pregnant right now. I know countless pregnant women, but these two are especially close to my heart. One of these friends found out she was pregnant (for the first time) the week after I found out I was pregnant. We went through the first two weeks of our pregnancies together. She has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy, and I.....didn't. She began posting facebook updates/ultra sound pictures at about 7 weeks pregnant. She is very sweet and sensitive to my feelings, but every update from her is a reminder of where I would have been in my pregnancy. On my way home from work last week, she sent me a text to ask for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. Uuuuugh, it felt like a punch in the gut. I immediately felt that same deep sadness and loss and hopelessness. I started having those self-pity thoughts....Will this ever get any better? I'm broken...Nothing can make what has happened right. But, I tried to stop my negative thoughts, and change my attitude before I got home. Once I got home, I was trying to hold it together. My husband said something negative about what I had planned for dinner, and that's all it took. I burst into tears. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting on the couch looking at me like I am crazy. I explained to him what brought tears to my eyes. I think he understood, but sometimes he doesn't quite know how to respond to my tears. And unfortunately, he has had to deal with my tears a lot lately. I ended up going to the bedroom and I cried, I mean REALLY cried.
While writing this, I just now realized that I didn't once cry out to my Heavenly Father. I tried to hold it together myself. It didn't occur to me to talk to God about my pain. This is something I have been struggling with since my mis-carriage. I am struggling with trusting God completely. I feel a distance between myself and God, and I know it is because I continue to hold back. I am afraid to have hope again, only to have my heartbroken.
My other friend who is pregnant, is a very close friend. She told me she was 14 weeks pregnant with her first baby (after trying for one month, but that's beside the point) the week after my mis-carriage. I am so excited for this girl. She is such a sweetheart, and I can't wait to see her become a mom. Last Sunday, I was grabbing my bible on my way to church and some ultra sound pictures fell out of my bible. I had completely forgotten that I had put the pictures in there....yeah, that's how long it's been since I have flipped through the pages of my Bible. It didn't bother me at the time. While in church, we were singing worship songs, I kept tearing up every time I would look at my friend's adorable pregnant belly. I couldn't stop looking at her tummy, but the tears were about to spill over, so I looked away, only to have my eyes find their way back to her tummy again. With the tears come sadness. And I just kept thinking, I hate feeling like this. I hate that a beautiful glowing pregnant woman makes me sad. This doesn't happen often, but for some reason it happened too many times this week.
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